The Dreams Keep Coming

The dreams about the ex-best friend, Melanie, who didn't invite me to her wedding and ultimately abruptly cut me off after sixteen years of friendship just keep coming. I understand that she is ignorant, sheltered, and flaky. But that doesn't make what she did hurt any less, even seven years after the fact. Dreams about confronting her to find out why she did it usually come once or twice per month. And these aren't the casual, vaguely-remembered dreams that most people have. My dreams are intense, vivid, and often sensory, factors that significantly contribute to the massive emotional impact that my dreams have.

I have a variety of dreams. The most common one is that I run into Melanie somewhere. I call her name, and she takes one look at me and runs. I chase after her and grab her shirt sleeve and say something like, "STOP! I just want to ask you one thing."

Another variation is that for some reason I am together with Melanie. I pace around, trying to figure out how to tactfully broach the subject. Finally, I say something like, "Melanie, I have something to ask you, and… now, this isn't easy." I take a deep breath and ask, "Why didn't you invite me to the wedding?" In every dream, Melanie gives me a different answer. Most of her explanations are absurd, but as absurd as they are, I could easily see her using them as excuses. In one dream, her father was dead, and she said that she thought it would be difficult for me to be there and not see her father. I can't remember offhand what other explanations she has given, but in many dreams instead of answering she just doesn't say anything or runs.

In another dream, I ran into her husband and asked for a straight answer. He said, "She doesn't want to talk to you." I said, "Yeah, I get that. But I'd like to know why. One of you just tell me why, and I'll never try to contact her again, no questions asked." The dream ended there.

In my most recent dream, Melanie did something that would make sense for someone more caring, but something I am sure she would never do: She broke down crying, and said, "I'm so sorry. I was wrong. I wasn't thinking. And I truly regret it." Actually, forget "I am sure she would never do it." I know she would never do it. She isn't capable of the sort of sober self-reflection that I am (and many other people are) capable of. I can see now, however, that she might have had second thoughts about our friendship long before she abruptly cut me off in 2008.

One memory that should have set off sirens in my mind when it happened was during my senior year in college in New York City (2002). Melanie (who lives in Philadelphia) and I were on the phone. She said that her boyfriend (now husband) was over. I'd never met him, and she said, "Would you like to talk to him?" I said, "Okay." Her boyfriend got on the phone with me and said, "Hi. I hear you tell repetitive jokes."

Yes. That's what Melanie's boyfriend had to say to me. Why? I see now that this was probably all that Melanie saw me as. She didn't tell her boyfriend that I was a creative person who liked to draw and write. She didn't tell him that I got her interested in animation when we were kids and that's the reason she ended up going to school for animation. No. She told him that I tell repetitive jokes. Back then it upset me, but today I see why it should have raised alarms in my mind: That was what she thought of when she thought of me, not as a creative, intelligent person. I often wonder if this was why she cut me out of her life.

The fact is, I will never know for sure why Melanie did what she did. I have a number of theories, but all of them point back to my suspicion that she was afraid I'd do something to upset her at the wedding, and instead of addressing it with me took the easy route and cut me out of her life. If this is true, then Melanie is as fair-weather and flaky as Dad had warned me about ever since we were kids (Dad sees through people's bullshit more easily than anybody I know). And it says more about her than it does about me. Nonetheless, the dreams keep happening and I just want them to stop. I need closure.

I am going to write Melanie a letter. A hand-written letter, that I will mail this weekend. I don't expect her to write back, but I need to do this. Even if this doesn't stop the dreams, it will at least make me feel I've gotten the last word in. I don't care if it makes her think I'm a creepy stalker. I just want to assert myself and make her understand what she has done.

Well, perhaps I'm giving her too much credit for thinking she's capable of understanding what she has done.

Dreams that Would Make Salvador Dali Cringe

Sorry, it's been too long since I've done one of these, but it's been hectic with losing my job and trying to find another... excuses, excuses. Anyway, I will continue to put up new blog posts every Friday from now on...


I don't know if this is an Asperger's thing or just a "creative" thing, but I have weird dreams, some that would make Salvador Dali cringe. I invite you to share yours. Here are a few classics:

• About a decade ago, I had a dream that I was getting my period and oranges came out instead of what you'd expect.
• When I was a teenager, I had a dream that Michael Jackson was robbing a Dunkin' Donuts at gunpoint. Frightened, I hid in the bathroom.
• I had a dream that my mother was laying spider eggs (fortunately, this was just one of those "I knew it was happening" dreams and was spared a visual representation of this). 
• My cat was cut into pieces and put in the refrigerator, but once I defrosted him I could reassemble him.
• I was consoling a crying Conan O'Brien because he didn't think he was funny. This is just weird since I never even watched his show.
• When I was in high school, I had a dream that a burglar was trying to rob my house. My father stopped him by strangling him with a Nintendo controller cord.
• My (late) dog needed a snout replacement. My father cut her snout off with a circular saw. There was no blood. Then he put a new snout on her.
• I had a dream a few years ago about scooping Woody Allen's brains out with an ice cream scoop.
• A few years ago (I think shortly after the Terri Schiavo case, though it might have been much later than that), I had a dream that someone survived on life-support for 200 years and looked like they should be dead. Social commentary in my dreams! Ha!
• When I was 13, I had a dream that an old man with no arms and no legs was chasing me and throwing rocks at me.

And my latest: Last night, I had a dream that it was Thanksgiving. My mother was debating over whether to make lamb or ox. The lamb had stuck its snout in poop, and so it was going to taste like poop. But according to my mom, that was part of what made it a delicacy! Then she yanked the tongue out of the lamb and said we could eat that too. Disgusted, I said, "Let's just have ox!"


Let's hear your weird dreams!


Julie

...I Wake Up Screaming

These days I am generally self-assured and well-adjusted. But it is not as if I've completely forgotten about my difficult past. Most nights are uneventful and I sleep well, but sometimes I have intense dreams about my past and I wake up screaming.

• Friends at school ditch me-- I wake up screaming.
• Kids at school humiliate me-- I wake up screaming.
• I'm infuriated because I don't understand the plot of a movie and everyone else does effortlessly-- I wake up screaming.
• My parents call me immature-- I wake up screaming.
• My parents tell me I don't dress or act feminine enough-- I wake up screaming.
• My parents tell me I'm annoying-- I wake up screaming.
• My parents tell me I make people uncomfortable-- I wake up screaming.
• My parents holler at me for drawing deranged and violent Addams Family cartoons and tell me I'm not allowed to draw them again-- I wake up screaming.
• My parents tell me I'm too immature to have friends that are 5 years older-- I wake up screaming.
• My parents grill me about why I'm not interested in dating-- I wake up screaming.

The recalled incidents involving my parents give me more frequent night terrors with greater intensity than ones involving kids at school. 


Parents, please, I know you mean well, but be careful of what you say to your kids. I promise that your remarks, while in your mind are "constructive criticism," will fester in their minds for many years. 


And listen to what they have to say. You might learn something.