As always, names have been changed...
It's just about 5 months into this COVID-19 pandemic. Since then, Massachusetts, which has done a great job of containing the virus, has entered phase 3 of reopening. On July 5th, I took the subway (mask on, of course) for the first time since March, getting myself the hell out of Quincy and going to Cambridge to go swimming in an outdoor pool. The outdoor pools are open (at lower capacity), and so is the gym. While going to the pool at the gym or an outdoor public pool is not a risk-free activity, I feel it is one of the safer risks I can take because chlorine kills the virus. I've also recently gotten to see one of my friends who already had the virus in April. He had a high fever, which indicates a strong immune response, and thus some type of immunity developed in the end. My doctor confirmed that right now he likely has some immunity, though we don't know enough about COVID-19 to know how long it will last. So I felt comfortable seeing him. I've also extended my social circle a little and hung out with my cousins, who came for a visit from Providence.
This pandemic is frustrating to no end. Until there's a vaccine, it's hard to know what the future will hold, and I dread this winter when people will be forced inside and given more opportunities to spread the virus. Even now in the summer I feel a little anxiety of what's to come next. This is one of the most horrible things to have happened in The United States (maybe THE most horrible?), with more casualties than 9/11.
That said, it is also one of the best things that has happened to me. Before anybody decides to twist things around, reads the wrong thing into my statement, no, I am not saying how wonderful it is that we have a pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands of people. Rather, I'm saying that there's a silver lining around this mushroom cloud, a lemons and lemonade kind of thing that's happened to me in its aftermath. For one thing, I am doing a lot of writing. I'm well into writing a novel. I've tried writing many different novels over the years, but have had structural problems and have found myself stuck after writing the beginning, or have ended up writing a crappy draft. This time is different. What is also great about developing this novel is that I'm writing with characters I came up with at the end of 1996, characters who I've tried over and over to get a story out of but have been unable to. Until now. I think I'm really going to do it this time.
Additionally, stuck in full quarantine in March, April, and May, my mind started to wander. I thought back to the summer of 1997. I remembered my group trip to Israel, where I had an obsessive, autistic-style crush on a counselor named Chuck, and how I chased him around like I was Pepe LePew. This severely disrupted my experience and left me embarrassed about my behavior for years. I have had a few brief, superficial communications with Chuck over the years (ICQ, email), and we've been on Facebook together since 2008. We never kept in touch in any meaningful sense of the term. But with my wandering mind, I decided to message him. We had a good conversation, and ended up Skyping-- twice.
During our first Skype chat, Chuck and I hit it off right away and had some interesting discussions-- it turns out we have quite a bit in common, including a shared interest in brain science. We had a few good laughs about the funny things that happened on the trip in the summer of 1997. We also talked very frankly about my embarrassing behavior. I said, "Yeah, I had a thing for you and I had the subtlety of a hand grenade about it. I was embarrassed about it for years." Chuck shrugged, laughed, and said, "You were a teenage girl. These things happen. I'd like to think I handled it well, but I'm sure sometimes I didn't." I told Chuck that I gave him a lot of credit, that while he didn't always handle it well, he did the best he could for a young guy working in an era where autism was virtually unheard of. Having this discussion with Chuck was very cathartic and gave me a lot of closure that I never really had about that rough period in my life. He lives nearby, and I look forward to meeting up with him, and I hope to also meet his wife and two kids. This, of course, will probably only happen after a vaccine is developed, or when Chuck is at least more comfortable expanding his social circle during the pandemic.
Chuck isn't the only person I've reconnected with. I reconnected with Jonas, my counselor at Camp Negev and friend and mentor throughout my teenage years. Oh yeah, and my first crush. Yeah, I tended to get crushes on counselors... wow, what a dork I was! Anyway, he and I had kind of a falling out in the spring of 2001, and I haven't seen him since then. Our communication was limited to the occasional email and Facebook comment. However, we cleared the air about what happened back in the day (which I really don't want to get into the details of right now). At first, Jonas was not sure it was a good idea to video chat, but a month later, after hearing me on an alumni section on a camp podcast, he changed his mind. A couple weeks ago, we talked on Zoom. We had some good laughs about camp memories, and we filled each other in on some of what we've been up to over the past 19 years. Jonas ended by saying, "Let's stay in touch." He lives thousands of miles away, but the next time he is in New York City visiting his in-laws (which I suspect will only happen after a vaccine is developed, so I think we're talking about at least a year), I will probably head down there to see him. I definitely look forward to meeting his kids (I already know his wife; she went to the same camp).
I also reconnected with Amelia, a close friend from my age group at Camp Negev. Like Chuck and Jonas, we had been on Facebook together for years but didn't have much communication. We had a nice Skype chat and, like in my chat with Jonas, we filled each other in on what we've been up to over the past several years. She lives in the south, so it'll be a while before I get to see her in real life. I hope she comes up to Boston at some point. Or, perhaps I'll go down there. We'll see. If nothing else, we're just about due for another Skype session.
In short, because of this pandemic, I've been writing like a madwoman and reconnecting with old friends (Jonas and Amelia) and acquaintances (Chuck-- now a friend? Not sure how he'd classify the relationship from Skype alone). This mushroom cloud has indeed had silver lining, and I've turned some lemons into lemonade.
With all the horror stories that have happened as a result of COVID-19, it's nice to be able to hear something positive. Let me know in the comments if you have similar "lemons and lemonade" stories that have happened as a result of this pandemic!
Showing posts with label Boston. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boston. Show all posts
Saturday, August 8, 2020
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Mundane Things That I Find Funny
I have an unusual sense of humor. Sure, I laugh at other things that people find funny, but usually these people, like me, have a "fringe" sense of humor and laugh the hardest at rounds of Cards Against Humanity or at jokes on South Park.
But there are other things that strike me... not as funny, per se, but amusing. And these things wouldn't make sense to most people unless I explained why. A joke works when you reflexively laugh at it. But there are some mundane things that I find amusing because you have to think about them. And when you have to think about why something amuses you, it doesn't make most people laugh. But what are these mundane things that amuse me, and why? Is it an Asperger's thing, or does this happen to everybody? Let me give you some examples:
The Boston green line trolleys have only 2 cars, sometimes 1. It especially amuses me when I see these 1-car-only trolleys. Why? Because I lived in New York City for over a decade. With the exception of the infamous and hated G train (which had only 4 cars), all the subway lines in New York had around 10-11 cars in order to accommodate the city's elephantine population. But Boston doesn't even have a million people, let alone the 8 million that New York has. The blue, red, and orange lines usually have 5-6 cars at the most. Probably since the green line is the oldest line and is a trolly and not a regular subway train, it only has 1-2 cars. So when I see a one-car trolly (usually on weekends and in late evenings) I think it's cute. I think of the city of Boston as a person, trying naively to prove it's just like New York by having its own subway system, but not coming close to even resembling New York. It makes me think of a little kid imitating his or her older sibling.
Ten years ago, I was at a water park. There was one water ride which had circular rafts to hold a few people who went down the slide. There was a conveyer belt to carry the tubes back to the top of the ride for the next users:
But this amused me. Why? Think about it. They had to hire engineers to not only build the slide but also to build the conveyer belt that brought the tubes back up. You have to have a serious engineering talent to build such structures, and it amused me that so much effort was put into something so frivolous when there are more important things that such talents could be used for. Not that I dislike frivolity-- obviously I like it or I wouldn't go to water parks!
When I was little, things like this didn't just amuse me: they put me in stitches. I guarantee you that if I had encountered the New York subways and then the Boston trolleys as a kid, I would have laughed hysterically. I would have lost my shit, as they say, over the conveyer belt carrying the tubes up to the top of the water slide. And when I was in elementary school, I thought footballs (as in American football) were hilarious because of their shape. If somebody threw or kicked a football, as it turned end over end it made me think of some weird creature running away. I used to laugh really hard at these runaway footballs, and nobody could figure out why I was laughing. Another time, when I was in 1st grade (age 7), I laughed hysterically in class for no fewer than 10 minutes over the word "grass". Why was it funny to me? I don't know. I think I just thought the word sounded funny. When I was a little older I also thought the word "Batman" was funny.
One of my friends with Asperger's thinks palm trees are "hilarious" when viewed from far away. Why? He doesn't know. He just thinks they're hilarious. Another friend with Asperger's thinks the word "couch" is funny, and when she was little you could not stop her from laughing at that word.
A trademark of having Asperger's is having an odd sense of humor. But laughing at mundane things? Is that an Asperger's characteristic, or does this happen to other people as well? Comments from everyone on the neurological spectrum are welcome!
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Gender Conformity= Maturity?
I was thirteen years old when I first realized that most people thought of being a tomboy as a childhood phase rather than an enduring personality characteristic.
In fact, this mindset is so pervasive to the point of cliché that it is a plot device in many movies. That is, unless the girl is particularly young, she is presented as a tomboy in the beginning of the movie only as a segue to illustrate her journey into becoming a "young lady", usually at around age twelve [Now and Then (1995) immediately comes to mind]. And these movies seem to reflect the expectation that being a tomboy is a phase that is put to rest around the start of puberty, especially when a first crush enters the picture. In fact, the word "tomboy" specifically refers to young, prepubescent girls. There is no equivalent word for teen girls or adult women that does not have a lesbian connotation.
Like many women with Asperger's Syndrome, I was a tomboy growing up and still identify as one today. By my mid-teens, I got a very clear message that being a tomboy was considered a sign of immaturity. When I was fourteen, I went with my family at Boston's New England Aquarium. My parents asked me to put my baseball cap on backwards. This was really unusual as they both hated it when I wore baseball caps backwards (Dad just hated backwards-pointing baseball caps to begin with; Mom disliked the fact that it made me look boyish), but they asked me to do it so that I would look twelve and be able to get into the aquarium at the eleven-and-under ticket price. When I asked Dad why wearing my hat backwards would make me pass for eleven more easily, he said, "Well, it makes you look like a little tomboy." Yes, and people assume tomboys are little girls.
Over the next few years, I had numerous fights with my mother about my choice of clothing. I preferred T-shirts/sweaters and jeans and only dressed in girly clothes on holidays when Mom made me (I hated it but put up with it because I knew it would be over in a couple hours). But she wanted me to dress girly at school as well. She thought it would stop the horrendous bullying I experienced. During one of our fights, Mom said to me, "You're growing up and it's about time you start looking like a girl!" Again, there was the implication that being a tomboy and dressing like one is immature. These fights scared me because I knew that I would never, ever be comfortable in what I jokingly call boob-neckline shirts, dresses, skirts, and makeup. If I were still this way as an adult, would that make me perpetually immature?
Over the years I have begun to wear slightly more feminine clothing than I used to (still no boob-necklines, skirts, dresses, or makeup), but usually these garments have a bit of a "hippie" edge to them. I have grown to like some of the "hippie girl" clothes. And I didn't start wearing them because I thought people would see me as more mature or because I wanted to impress a guy, but because my tastes slightly changed. Right now I can hear somebody saying, "Well, that's a sign of maturity." But why? Why is conforming to gender expectations considered maturity? What about butch lesbians who dress girly in childhood and then present butch in adulthood? Nobody would ever dream of saying that the fact that they figured out that they weren't girly girls (or simply experiencing a shift in preferences)-- that is, being honest about who they were-- was a sign of maturity.
What has always bothered me is how movies present their tomboy characters going through a drastic, overnight change rather than a gradual, subtle and nuanced change. In Now and Then, the tomboy Roberta tapes her boobs and wears androgynous clothing. But by the end of the movie she has stopped taping her boobs, not because she no longer feels the urge to do it, but because she wants to impress her first crush. And of course by the end of the movie she is wearing girly clothes. I've often said cynically, "Coming-of-age movies about boys and girls have two things in common-- discovery and boys."
Oh, but it's just a movie, you say? Well, I remember in eighth grade one of my best friends went from tomboy to girly-girl literally over the course of a weekend. And this change wasn't superficial. It marked the beginning of a drastic change. Within months, my friend no longer shared my interests and I barely knew her anymore. Things only went downhill from there, and she even eventually sided with the bullies.
Oh, but what's wrong with being a girly girl, you ask? Aren't you being just as bad as those who say that tomboys are "wrong"? No, I'm not saying that being a girly-girl is wrong. I just find myself wondering why so many tomboys change drastically overnight. In fact, I've noticed that with girls in general, not just tomboys. Many girls (by no means all of them, but enough that it left an impression on me) I knew growing up seemed to change their interests and their personalities within the first year of adolescence. The boys on the other hand? Yeah, they grew up, but their interests grew with them. They weren't left by the wayside.
And I will say this: Outgrowing "that tomboy stage" does occasionally happen in the same nuanced and gradual manner of the changes that we all go through as we grow up. And when it does, it seems more authentic and less of a response to peer pressure or a feeling of obligation from a first crush. In the summer of 2000 when I worked at a camp in Michigan, there was an eleven-year-old girl, Karen (not her real name) whom I initially mistook for a boy. She dressed in clothing that clearly came from the boys' department, and she had a boyish haircut. Same deal in 2001 and 2002. When I returned to volunteer for two weeks in 2007, Karen was eighteen years old. She had grown her hair out and her clothing was somewhat more feminine. But she didn't become super-girly-- that is, she didn't undergo a drastic change, superficially let alone in her personality. Yes, there are pictures of her on Facebook in dresses, but there are also pictures of her wearing androgynous clothing (though not the male clothing she wore as a child). When I saw her in 2007 with a more feminine look, I knew that it was still Karen in there. She simply changed the way she dressed and wore her hair. She was still funny, irreverent, intelligent, and athletic Karen. And I had never known her well, but I knew enough to know that she most likely grew out her hair and changed her clothing style as a personal decision, not as a response to peer pressure. She probably underwent a gradual, nuanced change that likely reflected a change in taste. But again, is that a reflection of maturity, or just a change in taste?
One of the reasons I blog is to raise consciousness about unconscious assumptions many of us have. There seems to be an assumption that gender conformity is a sign of maturity. Actually, I think conformity in general is seen as a sign of maturity. More on that next week. Stay tuned!
In fact, this mindset is so pervasive to the point of cliché that it is a plot device in many movies. That is, unless the girl is particularly young, she is presented as a tomboy in the beginning of the movie only as a segue to illustrate her journey into becoming a "young lady", usually at around age twelve [Now and Then (1995) immediately comes to mind]. And these movies seem to reflect the expectation that being a tomboy is a phase that is put to rest around the start of puberty, especially when a first crush enters the picture. In fact, the word "tomboy" specifically refers to young, prepubescent girls. There is no equivalent word for teen girls or adult women that does not have a lesbian connotation.
Like many women with Asperger's Syndrome, I was a tomboy growing up and still identify as one today. By my mid-teens, I got a very clear message that being a tomboy was considered a sign of immaturity. When I was fourteen, I went with my family at Boston's New England Aquarium. My parents asked me to put my baseball cap on backwards. This was really unusual as they both hated it when I wore baseball caps backwards (Dad just hated backwards-pointing baseball caps to begin with; Mom disliked the fact that it made me look boyish), but they asked me to do it so that I would look twelve and be able to get into the aquarium at the eleven-and-under ticket price. When I asked Dad why wearing my hat backwards would make me pass for eleven more easily, he said, "Well, it makes you look like a little tomboy." Yes, and people assume tomboys are little girls.
Over the next few years, I had numerous fights with my mother about my choice of clothing. I preferred T-shirts/sweaters and jeans and only dressed in girly clothes on holidays when Mom made me (I hated it but put up with it because I knew it would be over in a couple hours). But she wanted me to dress girly at school as well. She thought it would stop the horrendous bullying I experienced. During one of our fights, Mom said to me, "You're growing up and it's about time you start looking like a girl!" Again, there was the implication that being a tomboy and dressing like one is immature. These fights scared me because I knew that I would never, ever be comfortable in what I jokingly call boob-neckline shirts, dresses, skirts, and makeup. If I were still this way as an adult, would that make me perpetually immature?
Over the years I have begun to wear slightly more feminine clothing than I used to (still no boob-necklines, skirts, dresses, or makeup), but usually these garments have a bit of a "hippie" edge to them. I have grown to like some of the "hippie girl" clothes. And I didn't start wearing them because I thought people would see me as more mature or because I wanted to impress a guy, but because my tastes slightly changed. Right now I can hear somebody saying, "Well, that's a sign of maturity." But why? Why is conforming to gender expectations considered maturity? What about butch lesbians who dress girly in childhood and then present butch in adulthood? Nobody would ever dream of saying that the fact that they figured out that they weren't girly girls (or simply experiencing a shift in preferences)-- that is, being honest about who they were-- was a sign of maturity.
What has always bothered me is how movies present their tomboy characters going through a drastic, overnight change rather than a gradual, subtle and nuanced change. In Now and Then, the tomboy Roberta tapes her boobs and wears androgynous clothing. But by the end of the movie she has stopped taping her boobs, not because she no longer feels the urge to do it, but because she wants to impress her first crush. And of course by the end of the movie she is wearing girly clothes. I've often said cynically, "Coming-of-age movies about boys and girls have two things in common-- discovery and boys."
Oh, but it's just a movie, you say? Well, I remember in eighth grade one of my best friends went from tomboy to girly-girl literally over the course of a weekend. And this change wasn't superficial. It marked the beginning of a drastic change. Within months, my friend no longer shared my interests and I barely knew her anymore. Things only went downhill from there, and she even eventually sided with the bullies.
Oh, but what's wrong with being a girly girl, you ask? Aren't you being just as bad as those who say that tomboys are "wrong"? No, I'm not saying that being a girly-girl is wrong. I just find myself wondering why so many tomboys change drastically overnight. In fact, I've noticed that with girls in general, not just tomboys. Many girls (by no means all of them, but enough that it left an impression on me) I knew growing up seemed to change their interests and their personalities within the first year of adolescence. The boys on the other hand? Yeah, they grew up, but their interests grew with them. They weren't left by the wayside.
And I will say this: Outgrowing "that tomboy stage" does occasionally happen in the same nuanced and gradual manner of the changes that we all go through as we grow up. And when it does, it seems more authentic and less of a response to peer pressure or a feeling of obligation from a first crush. In the summer of 2000 when I worked at a camp in Michigan, there was an eleven-year-old girl, Karen (not her real name) whom I initially mistook for a boy. She dressed in clothing that clearly came from the boys' department, and she had a boyish haircut. Same deal in 2001 and 2002. When I returned to volunteer for two weeks in 2007, Karen was eighteen years old. She had grown her hair out and her clothing was somewhat more feminine. But she didn't become super-girly-- that is, she didn't undergo a drastic change, superficially let alone in her personality. Yes, there are pictures of her on Facebook in dresses, but there are also pictures of her wearing androgynous clothing (though not the male clothing she wore as a child). When I saw her in 2007 with a more feminine look, I knew that it was still Karen in there. She simply changed the way she dressed and wore her hair. She was still funny, irreverent, intelligent, and athletic Karen. And I had never known her well, but I knew enough to know that she most likely grew out her hair and changed her clothing style as a personal decision, not as a response to peer pressure. She probably underwent a gradual, nuanced change that likely reflected a change in taste. But again, is that a reflection of maturity, or just a change in taste?
One of the reasons I blog is to raise consciousness about unconscious assumptions many of us have. There seems to be an assumption that gender conformity is a sign of maturity. Actually, I think conformity in general is seen as a sign of maturity. More on that next week. Stay tuned!
Friday, August 22, 2014
Independent-Living Prospects
I am fed up with people asking me what I do for a living.
It's one of those questions that begs the question. That is, people assume that because I am thirty-three I must have a career. But I don't have a career. It's just one of those aspects of life that is taken for granted. When people ask me what I do for a living, they are making a lot of unconscious assumptions: They see that I am a white, middle-class American. Most likely my life was uneventful. I finished high school, went to college, got a job that I have been working at for ten years or so and, possibly married with kids, am living happily ever after (fortunately I am living in an era when, and a city where, marriage and children isn't one of these assumptions). When they make these assumptions, they assume, too, that I am neurotypical, even if they have never heard of the word. These are some of the many assumptions that people make about every other human being on earth, and only recently have they been brought into question.
People who know me and know my situation tell me to "think positive". It's easy for them to say, of course, since they are neurotypical people who are not stuck with the sometimes-torture chamber that is my brain. They haven't gone to school, constantly been between jobs-- dead-end jobs, that is-- realized that their degree was useless, gone back to school, gotten a Master's Degree, taken two jobs related to that degree and been fired from both of them because of issues related to interpersonal skills, and then realized that that they have yet another useless degree. They do not understand the turmoil I have had to live with practically from the dawn of my consciousness. And their suggestions to alleviate some of the problems related to living independently actually do not work for me. They take it for granted that these suggestions would work because they would work for most people. It doesn't even occur to them that there are some people for whom these suggestions would be harmful.
What suggestions are we talking about exactly? For example:
1. Until you can get a permanent job (yes, like WHEN?), why not take a job in retail? At least it's some money!
No. I can't take a job in retail. I was just fired from two jobs that involved working with the public. I can only put a fake smile on my face and pretend to be interested in everybody's personal lives before the holes in my facade start to form. People can see right through that. Besides, it's too emotionally exhausting for me. This isn't a matter of "won't", but a matter of "can't", in the same way a person with an IQ of 75 can't do calculus. This is just not who I am, and I have tried it.
Just for the record, I do have a temporary work at home job. It does not pay well, however.
2. Get a roommate so that you can save money. It will also be less of a burden on your parents.
Yes, it's true. My parents are helping me to live in Boston, just as they helped me to live in New York City. My mother is retiring next year, so unless I find something within the coming year, I have to move back to Pennsylvania to live with my parents. In the meantime, I am downgrading from a one-bedroom to a studio apartment (fortunately in the same building) on August 31st. I sucked it up and got rid of a lot of books and some furniture so I can comfortably fit in this smaller unit. My one-bedroom is $1425 a month and is set to go up to $1500 this fall. The studio is $1200 a month. I actually did try getting a roommate. I met a fellow Aspie over the Internet. We hit it off immediately and started making arrangements to get a place together. But he and I got into an argument over something really stupid and realized it wouldn't work out. Before meeting him I met a few other potential roommates. None of them picked me. I am sure I would be difficult to live with. I have my own habits, my own way of doing things. This is very typical of people with Asperger's. Plus, when I was in college, nearly all my roommate situations ended in disaster. Even my parents agreed that they would rather sacrifice some extra money to help me rent a studio than hope that a roommate situation to which they wouldn't have to contribute financially would work out.
3. Move to a suburb. It's so much cheaper!
Yes, it is not only cheaper but also a lot less diverse and accepting. In places like New York and Boston, I feel comfortable and make friends with ease. It is hard to meet people as accepting and open-minded in a suburb, even in comparatively liberal suburbs such as the one in Pennsylvania where my parents live. Plus, think about this: If some employers in a city are uncomfortable with my personality, it would probably be much worse in a suburb. My job prospects would likely not be any better, despite the lack of competition.
4. Why don't you try [insert job prospect here]?
I already have. I have been down so many paths that it is almost laughable when others make suggestions, thinking I actually haven't tried them. That's another assumption: People assuming that I don't have a career because there are avenues that I haven't thought to explore.
In short, I am beyond frustrated. I live in Massachusetts, a state that famously has the most resources in the U.S. for adults with Asperger's Syndrome, so that is making me hopeful that they can assist me with finding a job. I am, however, not optimistic. I like to think that my blog posts give people hope, but sometimes I have to be honest: Life with Asperger's often does not turn out the way it did for Temple Grandin, for example. Most people with Asperger's-- women especially-- struggle to make ends meet in adulthood. I've heard of brilliant people working as janitors or doing some work that doesn't reflect their intelligence because they can't get through a job interview. Or they get through the interview and can't hold the job because of conflicts with coworkers and their bosses. Right now I feel that my only hope is to get my writing published (I have already finished a book that I am shopping around and am currently working on another). But even most best-selling authors have to have day jobs to make ends meet.
To those of you who brandish big smiles while telling me to "think positive", please walk around in my shoes for a day.
It's one of those questions that begs the question. That is, people assume that because I am thirty-three I must have a career. But I don't have a career. It's just one of those aspects of life that is taken for granted. When people ask me what I do for a living, they are making a lot of unconscious assumptions: They see that I am a white, middle-class American. Most likely my life was uneventful. I finished high school, went to college, got a job that I have been working at for ten years or so and, possibly married with kids, am living happily ever after (fortunately I am living in an era when, and a city where, marriage and children isn't one of these assumptions). When they make these assumptions, they assume, too, that I am neurotypical, even if they have never heard of the word. These are some of the many assumptions that people make about every other human being on earth, and only recently have they been brought into question.
People who know me and know my situation tell me to "think positive". It's easy for them to say, of course, since they are neurotypical people who are not stuck with the sometimes-torture chamber that is my brain. They haven't gone to school, constantly been between jobs-- dead-end jobs, that is-- realized that their degree was useless, gone back to school, gotten a Master's Degree, taken two jobs related to that degree and been fired from both of them because of issues related to interpersonal skills, and then realized that that they have yet another useless degree. They do not understand the turmoil I have had to live with practically from the dawn of my consciousness. And their suggestions to alleviate some of the problems related to living independently actually do not work for me. They take it for granted that these suggestions would work because they would work for most people. It doesn't even occur to them that there are some people for whom these suggestions would be harmful.
What suggestions are we talking about exactly? For example:
1. Until you can get a permanent job (yes, like WHEN?), why not take a job in retail? At least it's some money!
No. I can't take a job in retail. I was just fired from two jobs that involved working with the public. I can only put a fake smile on my face and pretend to be interested in everybody's personal lives before the holes in my facade start to form. People can see right through that. Besides, it's too emotionally exhausting for me. This isn't a matter of "won't", but a matter of "can't", in the same way a person with an IQ of 75 can't do calculus. This is just not who I am, and I have tried it.
Just for the record, I do have a temporary work at home job. It does not pay well, however.
2. Get a roommate so that you can save money. It will also be less of a burden on your parents.
Yes, it's true. My parents are helping me to live in Boston, just as they helped me to live in New York City. My mother is retiring next year, so unless I find something within the coming year, I have to move back to Pennsylvania to live with my parents. In the meantime, I am downgrading from a one-bedroom to a studio apartment (fortunately in the same building) on August 31st. I sucked it up and got rid of a lot of books and some furniture so I can comfortably fit in this smaller unit. My one-bedroom is $1425 a month and is set to go up to $1500 this fall. The studio is $1200 a month. I actually did try getting a roommate. I met a fellow Aspie over the Internet. We hit it off immediately and started making arrangements to get a place together. But he and I got into an argument over something really stupid and realized it wouldn't work out. Before meeting him I met a few other potential roommates. None of them picked me. I am sure I would be difficult to live with. I have my own habits, my own way of doing things. This is very typical of people with Asperger's. Plus, when I was in college, nearly all my roommate situations ended in disaster. Even my parents agreed that they would rather sacrifice some extra money to help me rent a studio than hope that a roommate situation to which they wouldn't have to contribute financially would work out.
3. Move to a suburb. It's so much cheaper!
Yes, it is not only cheaper but also a lot less diverse and accepting. In places like New York and Boston, I feel comfortable and make friends with ease. It is hard to meet people as accepting and open-minded in a suburb, even in comparatively liberal suburbs such as the one in Pennsylvania where my parents live. Plus, think about this: If some employers in a city are uncomfortable with my personality, it would probably be much worse in a suburb. My job prospects would likely not be any better, despite the lack of competition.
4. Why don't you try [insert job prospect here]?
I already have. I have been down so many paths that it is almost laughable when others make suggestions, thinking I actually haven't tried them. That's another assumption: People assuming that I don't have a career because there are avenues that I haven't thought to explore.
In short, I am beyond frustrated. I live in Massachusetts, a state that famously has the most resources in the U.S. for adults with Asperger's Syndrome, so that is making me hopeful that they can assist me with finding a job. I am, however, not optimistic. I like to think that my blog posts give people hope, but sometimes I have to be honest: Life with Asperger's often does not turn out the way it did for Temple Grandin, for example. Most people with Asperger's-- women especially-- struggle to make ends meet in adulthood. I've heard of brilliant people working as janitors or doing some work that doesn't reflect their intelligence because they can't get through a job interview. Or they get through the interview and can't hold the job because of conflicts with coworkers and their bosses. Right now I feel that my only hope is to get my writing published (I have already finished a book that I am shopping around and am currently working on another). But even most best-selling authors have to have day jobs to make ends meet.
To those of you who brandish big smiles while telling me to "think positive", please walk around in my shoes for a day.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
New York City- An Aspie's Paradise
If anybody were to ask me about the perfect place for a person with Asperger's Syndrome to live, my answer would be very simple: New York City.
Why New York City?, you ask. Isn't it too crowded and overwhelming for people with sensory issues? Yes, but not everybody with Asperger's Syndrome has those issues. In fact, a good portion of them-- including me-- don't. And just to clarify, for many of us (me, at any rate) our discomfort with crowds is not about simply being around large numbers of people, but expecting to interact with them, all at the same time. For as long as I can remember, people have told me that I'm great in one-on-one or small group situations, but not so great in large group situations, such as parties. In fact, at parties, I usually befriend one or two people and go off in a corner with them to talk. Or if I need some break time, I just sit in the corner and draw. Asking someone with Asperger's Syndrome to enjoy large social groups is like asking a Catholic nun to be John F. Kennedy.
But enough of that tangent, on with my endorsement of New York City as an Aspie's paradise. I lived in New York City for 13 1/2 years and for me it was incredibly easy to to forget that I had a condition that many regard as a disability (someone I met online who moved there from Maine for about a year made the same comment). Why? The answer is simple, I think. New York City is as diverse a city as you can get. There are all kinds of people who live there. I don't mean people of different ethnic backgrounds or even people from different religious affiliations (though there are those too). There are people with such a wide variety of temperaments and personalities, much more than I've seen anywhere else. I live in Boston now (long story), and while it's diverse enough that I feel comfortable, it's not quite the same as New York. Hell, a ride on the subways in each city will give you the idea of what I'm talking about.
You go to the F line in Brooklyn, for example. You wait in a small line to get through the turn style during rush hour. Someone can't find their Metrocard, and the person behind them butts in front of them. Typical New York impatience, but that's okay Everyone is used to it. You get on the train, heading for Manhattan. Five minutes in, someone gets on and starts screaming about Jesus and end times. A few minutes later, someone else begs for money. At the first stop in Manhattan, a group of guys gets on and does a wild performance for money, complete with back flips. Later, a man comes in dressed as a clown and does the nail-in-the-nose bit, also for money. As all these colorful people continue to board the train, you look around at everyone riding the subway. Some are trying to read and can't concentrate with all the noise. They roll their eyes. Others have a good laugh. Others still are ambivalent. In terms of the panhandler, many feel sorry for him and give him money. Trips on the New York City subway are never dull. And did I mention that the people who are riding the subway also have a variety of temperaments? Of course! Otherwise there wouldn't be such a wide variety of reactions!
We all know the stereotype, too, of there being a ton of crazy people in New York City. That said, I think it's also easier for the average person there to put things into perspective. Whereas a quirky behavior by someone with Asperger's might be viewed as "weird" or "scary" elsewhere, it might simply be viewed as "quirky" or even just part of the patchwork of personalities in New York City. With so many people acting unusual, it's just a lot easier to see the difference between "quirky" and "crazy". Plus, there are a lot of organizations that make it easier to find and make friends. There is the GLBTQIA center on 23rd Street, for example. How about the Asperger's support groups? Or groups for atheists? New York is also a place where I met a lot of polyamorous people (I'm not inclined that way, but my point is that New York is just very accepting of that kind of openness). And New York Public Library even hosts what's called an Anti-Prom, a prom for GLBTQIA teens. I suspect that New York might be the only major American city whose library would host such an event (except for San Francisco and, possibly, Chicago). You know all the stories about libraries being blackmailed by the religious right.
As for Boston? Well, there aren't lines for the subways, and in the six months that I've been here I saw a total of one solicitor and one "crazy person" on the trains. There's just not the daily exposure to oddness that there is in New York. Again, I think Boston is pretty accepting but I don't think in the same way that New York is. I don't know if, for example, the library would host an openly GLBTQIA prom. It just isn't nearly as diverse and I think Boston has somewhat more of a religious hold. But again, let's put this in perspective. Last year I lived in a small rural town in Maine for about five months. I hated it. It was homogenous-- lots of white, Christian people. Very, very few Jews, let alone those with any other religious background. And as for atheists? I'm sure they were in the closet along with the gays who live there. In fact, to meet interesting people I had to drive to Portland-- 75 miles each way. Everybody who was my age in the town in which I lived was married and had 2.5 kids. At one point, I posted on my Facebook status, "I miss NYC so much it hurts." It did hurt. I did not feel welcome, and I felt like many people thought there was something wrong with me. I did not feel that way in New York at all. As I said, in Boston I feel welcome, but let's just say that it's slightly easier for me to remember that I have Asperger's Syndrome, something many people regard as a disability.
So fellow Aspies, go to New York. It truly is an amazing city.
Why New York City?, you ask. Isn't it too crowded and overwhelming for people with sensory issues? Yes, but not everybody with Asperger's Syndrome has those issues. In fact, a good portion of them-- including me-- don't. And just to clarify, for many of us (me, at any rate) our discomfort with crowds is not about simply being around large numbers of people, but expecting to interact with them, all at the same time. For as long as I can remember, people have told me that I'm great in one-on-one or small group situations, but not so great in large group situations, such as parties. In fact, at parties, I usually befriend one or two people and go off in a corner with them to talk. Or if I need some break time, I just sit in the corner and draw. Asking someone with Asperger's Syndrome to enjoy large social groups is like asking a Catholic nun to be John F. Kennedy.
But enough of that tangent, on with my endorsement of New York City as an Aspie's paradise. I lived in New York City for 13 1/2 years and for me it was incredibly easy to to forget that I had a condition that many regard as a disability (someone I met online who moved there from Maine for about a year made the same comment). Why? The answer is simple, I think. New York City is as diverse a city as you can get. There are all kinds of people who live there. I don't mean people of different ethnic backgrounds or even people from different religious affiliations (though there are those too). There are people with such a wide variety of temperaments and personalities, much more than I've seen anywhere else. I live in Boston now (long story), and while it's diverse enough that I feel comfortable, it's not quite the same as New York. Hell, a ride on the subways in each city will give you the idea of what I'm talking about.
You go to the F line in Brooklyn, for example. You wait in a small line to get through the turn style during rush hour. Someone can't find their Metrocard, and the person behind them butts in front of them. Typical New York impatience, but that's okay Everyone is used to it. You get on the train, heading for Manhattan. Five minutes in, someone gets on and starts screaming about Jesus and end times. A few minutes later, someone else begs for money. At the first stop in Manhattan, a group of guys gets on and does a wild performance for money, complete with back flips. Later, a man comes in dressed as a clown and does the nail-in-the-nose bit, also for money. As all these colorful people continue to board the train, you look around at everyone riding the subway. Some are trying to read and can't concentrate with all the noise. They roll their eyes. Others have a good laugh. Others still are ambivalent. In terms of the panhandler, many feel sorry for him and give him money. Trips on the New York City subway are never dull. And did I mention that the people who are riding the subway also have a variety of temperaments? Of course! Otherwise there wouldn't be such a wide variety of reactions!
We all know the stereotype, too, of there being a ton of crazy people in New York City. That said, I think it's also easier for the average person there to put things into perspective. Whereas a quirky behavior by someone with Asperger's might be viewed as "weird" or "scary" elsewhere, it might simply be viewed as "quirky" or even just part of the patchwork of personalities in New York City. With so many people acting unusual, it's just a lot easier to see the difference between "quirky" and "crazy". Plus, there are a lot of organizations that make it easier to find and make friends. There is the GLBTQIA center on 23rd Street, for example. How about the Asperger's support groups? Or groups for atheists? New York is also a place where I met a lot of polyamorous people (I'm not inclined that way, but my point is that New York is just very accepting of that kind of openness). And New York Public Library even hosts what's called an Anti-Prom, a prom for GLBTQIA teens. I suspect that New York might be the only major American city whose library would host such an event (except for San Francisco and, possibly, Chicago). You know all the stories about libraries being blackmailed by the religious right.
As for Boston? Well, there aren't lines for the subways, and in the six months that I've been here I saw a total of one solicitor and one "crazy person" on the trains. There's just not the daily exposure to oddness that there is in New York. Again, I think Boston is pretty accepting but I don't think in the same way that New York is. I don't know if, for example, the library would host an openly GLBTQIA prom. It just isn't nearly as diverse and I think Boston has somewhat more of a religious hold. But again, let's put this in perspective. Last year I lived in a small rural town in Maine for about five months. I hated it. It was homogenous-- lots of white, Christian people. Very, very few Jews, let alone those with any other religious background. And as for atheists? I'm sure they were in the closet along with the gays who live there. In fact, to meet interesting people I had to drive to Portland-- 75 miles each way. Everybody who was my age in the town in which I lived was married and had 2.5 kids. At one point, I posted on my Facebook status, "I miss NYC so much it hurts." It did hurt. I did not feel welcome, and I felt like many people thought there was something wrong with me. I did not feel that way in New York at all. As I said, in Boston I feel welcome, but let's just say that it's slightly easier for me to remember that I have Asperger's Syndrome, something many people regard as a disability.
So fellow Aspies, go to New York. It truly is an amazing city.
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