*As always, names and certain details are changed to protect the privacy of those involved.
My impromptu series of posts about middle school continues. Most recently, in "Closure Part 1: Reconnection," I talked about events in my recent life that made me think of my middle school years, ultimately leading to a decision to contact Ivy and Torey, two former friends who turned on me in 9th grade (I remind you again, middle school in my district). Both were receptive to reconnecting with me, and both expressed remorse. Torey in particular said that for the past twenty-nine years she has lived with strong regret for how she treated me in 9th grade. In "Closure Part 2: How School Failed all of Us," I talked about how reconnecting with Ivy and Torey made me realize that, although I struggled the most in middle school, they also had their share of problems with bullies. I also concluded that Mr. Frank, the teacher of the history class that Ivy and I were in, likely played a role in ending our friendship, which had already been strained. The end of the post recounted an incident at lunch that prompted my mother to call the school and arrange a meeting between Principal Hayden, some of my former friends, their parents, my parents, and me.
On an evening in April 1996, Ivy, Torey, Aviva, their parents, Principal Hayden, my parents, and I sat around a long table in the principal's office. The tension was palpable, my once-friends and I exchanging awkward glances. I honestly don't remember most of the details of the meeting, but I seem to recall that Torey was very quiet throughout, and that Ivy was crying. Most importantly, I don't recall that much was accomplished that evening: it was mostly an airing of grievances, with Ivy and Aviva leveling accusations at me while I responded the best I could. I recall distinctly at the end that I felt that everything that had gone wrong was my fault. That was how I had been conditioned to feel whenever there was any social conflict, and I said something like, "I take full responsibility for what happened." At that point, Aviva softened a little, telling me not to be so hard on myself. But by then it was a moot point. My friendship with her as well as both other girls was damaged beyond repair.
In hindsight, I don't think our friendships were destined to fall apart. As I've mentioned in previous posts, we were kids in a broken system in the ignorant '90s, kids whose brains were still very much in development, and not yet mature enough to handle protracted conflict without adult assistance. With appropriate support from the teachers, principal, and guidance counselors, perhaps these friendships could have been saved, or at least they might have ended more peacefully. So what could have been done?
For one thing, I think the meeting should have happened close to the beginning of the year: one good thing that came out it, as I only learned recently, was that it was a crystalizing moment for Torey. She recalls having to look me in the eye and admit to herself the gravity of what she had done. She also remembers looking at my parents and thinking, "They welcomed me into their home, and then I turned around and hurt their daughter." The fact that this meeting made her realize how serious and hurtful her actions were demonstrates that kids who engage in this behavior aren't beyond redemption. Furthermore, the fact that she needed this meeting to appreciate how hurtful her behavior was, once again, illustrates how immature and ill-equipped teenage brains are for managing conflict; to an adult, on the other hand, such consequences would be immediately obvious. I want to note that it does make sense that the meeting was a turning point for Torey; I recall afterwards that she made a serious effort to be nice to me, telling me, "Don't listen to them-- they're assholes," when other kids picked on me. Although I thought it was too late, I also remember thinking that she was genuinely sorry and trying to do better.
So had the meeting happened in the beginning of the year, when circumstances started to go into free fall, how might such a meeting-- or a similar one-- have looked?
First of all, Mr. Frank, my and Ivy's history teacher who belittled me in class, should have been there, and he should have already been briefed about his unacceptable behavior. As I illustrated in my last post, I believe he set the stage in the beginning of the year for making me more of a target and making Ivy feel like she needed to abandon our friendship. In terms of the conflict with the other kids, particularly Torey, Aviva, Ivy, and me, guidance counselors and the principal should have met with us-- first one-on-one, then as a group. Importantly, all of these adults would have had to listen to all perspectives without bias. Even if one side was completely wrong and the other completely right, the only way to have a chance in solving these problems would have been to approach this diplomatically. Here's a perfect example:
In my previous post, I mentioned that Ivy related a situation in which she and Aviva went into a far corner of the library to work on our group project, and I told Mrs. Hayden, who was in the room at the time, that they were hiding from me. My recollection of this is vague, but I can definitely imagine it. Ivy said that she recalls that Mrs. Hayden-- or Sergeant Hayden, as she was widely known-- did not question my side of the story and yelled at Ivy and Aviva, furthering the rift between us. Here's a better way this could have panned out:
Sergeant Hayden: Hey, girls, what's going on? Julie says you're hiding from her.
Ivy: What? No! This is the only free table we could find in the library.
Aviva: Julie's paranoid-- as usual.
Me: I'm not stupid! I know that's what you were doing!
Sergeant Hayden: Okay, I can see that there's a lot going on. Why don't we go to the office to talk about it. None of you are in trouble. I think all of us should just have a little chat.
In the office, Ivy, Aviva, and I could all restate our perspectives, and then Sergeant Hayden should validate Ivy and Aviva's frustration and then help them to understand why I thought they were hiding from me.
Sergeant Hayden: That definitely sounds frustrating. But I want you to think about this: Torey kicks her out of the lunch table, and nobody objects. You don't intervene when other kids harass her. Some days you're nice to her, and other days you make fun of her. She has nobody left to turn to and never knows what to expect. What is she supposed to think? Do you think you would assume the best if you were her?
Maybe it seems idealistic of me to think that Ivy and Aviva would automatically come around, but they were good kids at their core. And had there been intervention like this early on by teachers, Mrs. Hayden, guidance counselors, etc., the conflict might not have even reached this point. But if it had, I think the intervention I proposed could be very effective.
And let's talk about Mr. Frank. He never once made an attempt to constructively address any situation, such as in the incident that I discussed in my last post, in which he and I got into a ridiculous debate about the length of the school year, which I thought was longer because we started before Labor Day for the first time. This culminated in him yelling at me in front of the class. I thought he was joking, and then I turned to high-five Ivy. A boy shouted, "Handshake of the nerds!" and Ivy was body slammed into a locker after class. It was a turning point for her, and our friendship was never the same. Mr. Frank could have prevented all of this by actually being the adult in the room instead of stooping to the level of a teenager. He could have said, "Hey, you know what? This really isn't a big deal, and we've got to get back on task. But if it really matters to you, I can show you the calendar after class and we can talk about it." And if the "handshake of the nerds" thing still somehow managed to happen, he could have told the kid, "Hey knock it off," or drawn attention away from Ivy and me by saying, "Since when is being a nerd a bad thing? Look at me. I went to college and majored in history. I'm a huge nerd!"
Do I have much hope that Mr. Frank would have taken this approach? Not really. I think he was just a run-of-the-mill asshole. But my whole point is to point out what approaches would have been constructive and helpful. They come from the starting point that recognizes that teenagers are ill-equipped to manage certain types of conflict without adult intervention, especially ones related to social status and pecking order. Had they been implemented, otherwise good kids like Ivy wouldn't have felt forced to make a Sophie's choice-type decision between sticking by their friend and getting beaten up, or abandoning their friend and not getting beaten up.
Furthermore, teachers need to model respect, not just make vague statements like, "Your behavior is unacceptable." This was honestly the best that I got out of teachers who talked to kids who were harassing me. Actions speak louder than words, and kids pick up on it when a teacher says one thing and models behavior that contradicts it. They see right through that hypocrisy.
Well, after all the hell that I've related in these impromptu series of blog posts about my middle school years, particularly 9th grade, did anything positive happen that year?
As a matter of fact... yes.
Stay tuned.
