I would like to make a request to the autism community: can we stop alienating each other?
Lately, I have grown very disheartened by the interactions in autism groups on Facebook. Many of us on the autism spectrum, particularly those who came of age in the final years of the twentieth century or earlier, have a lot of emotional baggage. We have experiences rife with interpersonal trauma that generally stem from misunderstandings by peers, teachers, camp counselors, and even our own parents. We have experienced a lot of loss: being kicked out of places, losing lifelong friends, being backstabbed by people we trusted and, overall, being condemned by one person after another. Often, we did not know what other people thought we did wrong, and any attempts to explain our actions were greeted with the message that perception and impact, rather than intent, was what mattered. It really hurts to go through life constantly at the receiving end of this dynamic. It also hurts that the people who thought they were supporting us, such as our parents, ended up invalidating our experiences and feelings on a regular basis.
Why, then, are we in autism groups doing it to each other? For example, there is a lot of controversy about the role of the term “Asperger’s”, and rarely a week goes by without some protracted, heated thread popping up in one of Facebook’s many autism groups. The controversy is due to its namesake, Hans Asperger, being a Nazi and that “Asperger’s” is used to describe people at a particular, “high functioning” end of the autism spectrum. People who object to the use of this term see it as ableist and endorsing a Nazi eugenicist. Whether the use of the term “Asperger’s” is still appropriate is a discussion worth having (and let’s not forget that many conditions are named after horrible people), but unfortunately a civil discussion never happens. Instead, those who object accuse its proponents of bigotry and internalized ableism. If the person does not admit that the other person was correct in their mindreading, then they are accused of being cold, callous, and not caring about others’ feelings. Often, moderators in these groups end up turning off comments after these threads turn into flame wars.
Another recent discussion in an autism Facebook group involved the topic of ghosting, a phenomenon where someone abruptly and without explanation halts contact with you. I assumed, perhaps erroneously, that the conversation was about being at the receiving end of this behavior—since many of us on the spectrum have repeatedly been in that position— rather than being the one engaging in it. I commented that I thought ghosting was cowardly, relating a painful memory about having been ghosted by my former best friend of fifteen years. Someone else told me that my feelings betrayed that I was a “toxic person.” This person—and others who backed her up—said that thinking a ghoster owed a ghostee an explanation was akin to someone saying that their partner owed them sex when they didn’t want it. Others in the thread commented that their own communication skills are not good and that sometimes they feel that ghosting is the only option for them. Again, these are points worth discussing, but instead I—and others who shared my viewpoint— was bombarded with accusations of ableism, callousness, and triggering other people. That was when I left the conversation and, admittedly, out of morbid curiosity, continued to watch it unfold without commenting. Ultimately, the thread was closed for further comments after more people accused each other of ableism and triggering comments.
Why can’t we even have civil discussions about these issues without accusations of triggering other people, of “coming from a place of privilege” if we feel a certain way about something? Why is reminding others in the group to please speak in a civil manner considered “tone policing” and “oppression?” We know how frustrating and painful it is to have someone assume the worst and treat us with intolerance. Can we at least make an effort to be more understanding and forgiving or at least civil with one another?
There seems to be something very insidious that happens in these threads: as soon as one person accuses another of triggering behavior, ableism, invalidation, and so forth, any attempt for the other person to defend their position only serves as further evidence that the accuser was right in their perception. Intent, after all, is meaningless, and apparently only impact matters. The last thing anybody wants is to be accused of ableism or bigotry of any kind, and it seems that the only option to keep the peace is to kill further thought, let alone further discussion, and ultimately agree with the accuser.
All this type of interaction ultimately does is further marginalize people within an already marginalized group. I would have thought that with the histories of gross misunderstanding we on the autism spectrum get from neurotypicals that we would want to refrain from this sort of mindreading behavior with each other. But sadly, I see an already frustrated, hurting population eating its own.
Can we please, please just stop alienating each other?
