Knowing My Audience

Yikes, it seems as if every time I start one of these posts, I have to acknowledge that it's been a while since I've last posted. Well, here we are again. And today I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet: It seems that people who've known me for many years sometimes revert to a mindset in which they see me as someone whose social judgment is the same as it was decades ago, in my teens and in my twenties. Yes, it is true. As someone on the autism spectrum, I used to be pretty bad at reading certain situations and knowing which people were an appropriate audience for my very odd sense of humor. But that was a long time ago. So what's been going on that I feel the need to write about this? 

A little background: In March, I managed to get the attention of a celebrity* on social media. It happened when I began posting drawings I made of him as a cartoon character. He liked them so much that he shared a few of them with his followers, and even ended up following me. I was pretty stoked about that! Some of these drawings are "whimsical" and "cute," and others involve my strange sense of humor. In terms of the humorous drawings, well, let's just say they involve a running gag that is a little off-the-wall, complete with my trademark ridiculousness as well as a dash of irony. I was pleased that he liked them so much. However, in the interest of not being one of those pesky fans I also told him that if they started to get annoying-- these days when you tag someone in a post, it sends it to their DM instead of their regular notifications-- to let me know and I would stop. He told me, "Keep 'em coming," and said that he thought they were very funny.

Unfortunately, two of my friends have since reflexively warned me that I might be making this celebrity "uncomfortable" and to "tread lightly." One of them even bluntly implored me to "Stop harassing him." I found this to be incredibly disconcerting, what with the types of loaded words that they used. While I realize that they were not aware of me DMing the celebrity with the offer to stop posting the drawings if they got annoying, this kind of knee-jerk reaction and unsolicited advice feels like it has the subtext that these people do not trust my judgment, perhaps because of stupid things that they remember me doing twenty-ish years ago. I feel like if literally anybody else had been making these drawings, they wouldn't have tried to warn them about anything. Above all, it felt infantilizing, and I even let them know this by telling them, "You sound like my mom." Fortunately, my actual mother had not made these comments on my drawings. I was glad, because I felt like she was getting better at trusting my judgment.

Spoke too soon; the other day on the phone Mom asked me if I was going to stop doing the drawings featuring the running gag. She denies fear of me getting myself in trouble as her motive for asking me this question, but I can't imagine why she would ask that if there was not that subtext. On the same day, this guy I'm Facebook friends with (I barely know him and never met him in real life) called me out about it on a public thread instead of at least DMing me with his concerns. It was embarrassing. And like with my friends and my mom, these concerns weren't expressed in the form of, "Hey, are you sure he's okay with these jokes?" but rather a lecture, warning me of "consequences."

Consequences? What consequences? That the celebrity would sue me? I doubt they were afraid of that; that's just silly. Well, maybe this guy and my friends were afraid that the celebrity would unfollow me. Okay, and? Sure, I would be pretty disappointed if that happened, but I wouldn't lose sleep over it; it's not like I'm laboring under the delusion that I'm friends with this guy. Other than those two examples, I can't imagine what their concerns were. But I guess at the end of the day it's a knee-jerk reaction, based on difficulty of letting go of stupid mistakes I made decades ago. It really bothers me that I continually have to deal with such reactions instead of being given the benefit of the doubt that a neurotypical person would get.

I guess I am hoping that this post also serves as an open letter to people in my life who continue to have rapid-fire reactions to certain things I say and do. Look, I promise that I do know my audience. In the (admittedly limited) interaction I've had with this celebrity, the impression that I get is that he's a decent guy and, more pertinent to the situation, very laid back, silly, self-deprecating, and someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. Importantly, he seems to share my strange sense of humor. Do I know him personally? No. Can I gauge what kinds of things are funny to him? Absolutely. I've been in touch with other celebrities before (hey, drawing is a very powerful communication tool), and I can tell you that one of them did not seem to share my absurdist sense of humor. I would never have made drawings of him with the type of running gag I make of the celebrity I currently interact with. I imagine that the humor would have upset him, not made him laugh.

And, sadly, because so many people had vehemently warned me about possibly making this celebrity uncomfortable (even as he continues to follow me on social media and share my drawings), I got it in my head in a kind of heat-of-the-moment frustration that I should message him with an apology and the promise to stop doing the drawings with the running gag.

His response? "Please don't!"

*It's probably not that hard to find out who I'm talking about if you go onto my social media accounts, but I also don't want to draw unnecessary attention to him here by naming him. 

Can We Stop Alienating Each Other?

I would like to make a request to the autism community: can we stop alienating each other?
 
Lately, I have grown very disheartened by the interactions in autism groups on Facebook. Many of us on the autism spectrum, particularly those who came of age in the final years of the twentieth century or earlier, have a lot of emotional baggage. We have experiences rife with interpersonal trauma that generally stem from misunderstandings by peers, teachers, camp counselors, and even our own parents. We have experienced a lot of loss: being kicked out of places, losing lifelong friends, being backstabbed by people we trusted and, overall, being condemned by one person after another. Often, we did not know what other people thought we did wrong, and any attempts to explain our actions were greeted with the message that perception and impact, rather than intent, was what mattered. It really hurts to go through life constantly at the receiving end of this dynamic. It also hurts that the people who thought they were supporting us, such as our parents, ended up invalidating our experiences and feelings on a regular basis.
 
Why, then, are we in autism groups doing it to each other? For example, there is a lot of controversy about the role of the term “Asperger’s”, and rarely a week goes by without some protracted, heated thread popping up in one of Facebook’s many autism groups. The controversy is due to its namesake, Hans Asperger, being a Nazi and that “Asperger’s” is used to describe people at a particular, “high functioning” end of the autism spectrum. People who object to the use of this term see it as ableist and endorsing a Nazi eugenicist. Whether the use of the term “Asperger’s” is still appropriate is a discussion worth having (and let’s not forget that many conditions are named after horrible people), but unfortunately a civil discussion never happens. Instead, those who object accuse its proponents of bigotry and internalized ableism. If the person does not admit that the other person was correct in their mindreading, then they are accused of being cold, callous, and not caring about others’ feelings. Often, moderators in these groups end up turning off comments after these threads turn into flame wars.
 
Another recent discussion in an autism Facebook group involved the topic of ghosting, a phenomenon where someone abruptly and without explanation halts contact with you. I assumed, perhaps erroneously, that the conversation was about being at the receiving end of this behavior—since many of us on the spectrum have repeatedly been in that position— rather than being the one engaging in it. I commented that I thought ghosting was cowardly, relating a painful memory about having been ghosted by my former best friend of fifteen years. Someone else told me that my feelings betrayed that I was a “toxic person.” This person—and others who backed her up—said that thinking a ghoster owed a ghostee an explanation was akin to someone saying that their partner owed them sex when they didn’t want it. Others in the thread commented that their own communication skills are not good and that sometimes they feel that ghosting is the only option for them. Again, these are points worth discussing, but instead I—and others who shared my viewpoint— was bombarded with accusations of ableism, callousness, and triggering other people. That was when I left the conversation and, admittedly, out of morbid curiosity, continued to watch it unfold without commenting. Ultimately, the thread was closed for further comments after more people accused each other of ableism and triggering comments.
 
Why can’t we even have civil discussions about these issues without accusations of triggering other people, of “coming from a place of privilege” if we feel a certain way about something? Why is reminding others in the group to please speak in a civil manner considered “tone policing” and “oppression?” We know how frustrating and painful it is to have someone assume the worst and treat us with intolerance. Can we at least make an effort to be more understanding and forgiving or at least civil with one another?
 
There seems to be something very insidious that happens in these threads: as soon as one person accuses another of triggering behavior, ableism, invalidation, and so forth, any attempt for the other person to defend their position only serves as further evidence that the accuser was right in their perception. Intent, after all, is meaningless, and apparently only impact matters. The last thing anybody wants is to be accused of ableism or bigotry of any kind, and it seems that the only option to keep the peace is to kill further thought, let alone further discussion, and ultimately agree with the accuser.
 
All this type of interaction ultimately does is further marginalize people within an already marginalized group. I would have thought that with the histories of gross misunderstanding we on the autism spectrum get from neurotypicals that we would want to refrain from this sort of mindreading behavior with each other. But sadly, I see an already frustrated, hurting population eating its own.
 
Can we please, please just stop alienating each other?