This is a blog where I will post about my experiences with being autistic. I invite others to do the same as well as ask me any questions or for advice. PLEASE ADD YOURSELF AS A FOLLOWER! :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I'm Honest and Your Baby is Ugly
Thanks for coming! I'm gradually moving my blog to Substack! You can check out this post here!
I know exactly where you're coming from - I also hate the phoniness of social graces. Somebody shows me a photo of their baby and I say "It's a baby". What are they expecting me to say? "She's lovely"? She looks pretty much like every other baby I ever saw.
I get confused because I usually take what people say at face value. Some people get insulted because I say what I think instead of what I think they want to hear. I don't empathize with people I don't know so I get called "cold".
Yes, I agree it's all about honesty - and that doesn't sit comfortably alongside social conventions. Thank you for your honest article.
I understand what you mean about how sometimes people do tell small white lies or fake interest in something. However, to me it is also about recognizing that while to you, these gestures are fake and mean nothing and bother you, they do mean something to others. I am not saying that you should always bend, but that there is a need to recognize that different people have different preferred communications styles. I may be wrong about this (please correct me if I am) but part of AS is that it is difficult to recognize these different communication styles. I also hate small talk. For instance, when I go to a co-worker in the morning with a question, I would just dive right in. However after some time I noticed he was annoyed by that, he helped by pointing it out as well. I learned that if I go in and say 'How are you?' that I will get a better response. Overall, I am able to then get the information I need and I can move on. I know it sucks, but to me, it is all about learning how to get what you need out of people. You are doing exactly that when you are asking 'How are you?' when on an interview. It sucks, but because we are all different people, sometimes we have to bend a little.
When I was younger I got into trouble with a girlfriend about the baby thing. My brother had bought a puppy, and whenever I walked it all these people would stop or point and say how cute it was. Anyway I was in a shop with girlfriend and she saw someone she knew who had a baby with her and after she'd done with her fussing, as we walked off I said 'It's like having a dog isn't it?', 'What's like having a dog' she angrily replied, 'A baby, the way people fuss over it' I said. 'It's nothing like having a dog' she raged. On reflection I think she's right, puppies and kittens are much cuter. Joking obviously, but I'm sure 'NT' people do see that cuteness in human babies, and so could 'AS' people if we wanted to. Not so much actual appearance, but a new life. It's about changing the mind, and I think it's possible.
I see this article is older, but I just wanted to comment. I do not have AS and I still completely agree with this article in its entirety. I struggle with giving compliments if I don't mean it. I never ever comment on anybodies baby simply because I don't think babies are cute. And further more, I get irritated by the fact that they expect a compliment.
People are in denial. There is no such thing as being selfless. Everything a person does is some how self serving. The problem is, 99% of the population likes to see themselves as a much better person than they are. They want to see themselves as being more than human. Human beings are self-serving.
Honesty is very important to me. Thank you for this article!
I think there is a balance between selfish and selfless. If I see a baby picture, and the baby is cute (in my own opinion), I will not hesitate to say so. However, I do not feel compelled to comment on every single baby picture I see. That would be asinine.
Your comment about babies made me grin. Until I had a child myself, I found other people's baby pictures pretty boring, if I'm honest. The only ones I felt attached to were pictures of babies and children I knew and felt a bond with. (I'm allegedly Neurotypical.)(Is there such a thing really?) I like your honesty in saying 'I think you'll be a good parent'. :)
Funerals though - I don't think the tears and sadness are necessarily supposed to be empathetic for the person who has died and their feelings. I always think the funeral service is an important act of catharsis and release of grief for those taking part. The individual feels their own personal pain at losing the dead person from their life, and also sadness in sympathy for the people such as family who will be missing the dead person and will be suffering.
At a friend's funeral a couple of months ago, I cried because I will miss her and because the world is now somehow lessened by not having her in it, because she was a force for goodness. I also felt sad that my friend had experienced suffering when she was sick.
I hope you don't think I am being rude in explaining this. I just thought I'd clarify how it has worked in my experience.
fyi: ambivalent ≠ indifferent i've learned to keep the pedantry on the DL w/ the NTs, but i reckon you won't be too miffed. "not judging, just /informing/. (aspie bznz as uzh).
Thank you for your thoughts about Kevorkian.
ReplyDeleteYou do have a lot of insight into his motives. They were plain to see.
I also like: "What's going on?" even though it can feel intrusive when a person in authority might use it.
"Plain to see" in what way?
ReplyDeleteI know exactly where you're coming from - I also hate the phoniness of social graces. Somebody shows me a photo of their baby and I say "It's a baby". What are they expecting me to say? "She's lovely"? She looks pretty much like every other baby I ever saw.
ReplyDeleteI get confused because I usually take what people say at face value. Some people get insulted because I say what I think instead of what I think they want to hear. I don't empathize with people I don't know so I get called "cold".
Yes, I agree it's all about honesty - and that doesn't sit comfortably alongside social conventions. Thank you for your honest article.
I understand what you mean about how sometimes people do tell small white lies or fake interest in something. However, to me it is also about recognizing that while to you, these gestures are fake and mean nothing and bother you, they do mean something to others. I am not saying that you should always bend, but that there is a need to recognize that different people have different preferred communications styles. I may be wrong about this (please correct me if I am) but part of AS is that it is difficult to recognize these different communication styles. I also hate small talk. For instance, when I go to a co-worker in the morning with a question, I would just dive right in. However after some time I noticed he was annoyed by that, he helped by pointing it out as well. I learned that if I go in and say 'How are you?' that I will get a better response. Overall, I am able to then get the information I need and I can move on. I know it sucks, but to me, it is all about learning how to get what you need out of people. You are doing exactly that when you are asking 'How are you?' when on an interview. It sucks, but because we are all different people, sometimes we have to bend a little.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve got the Versatile Blogger Award http://www.aspergerschild.org/1/post/2011/08/ive-got-the-versatile-blog-award.html
ReplyDeleteI do or you do?
ReplyDeleteI got it passed to me and now I'm passing it to you. Check out my link on what to do
ReplyDeleteI don't see any source code or any indication of what to do.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was younger I got into trouble with a girlfriend about the baby thing. My brother had bought a puppy, and whenever I walked it all these people would stop or point and say how cute it was. Anyway I was in a shop with girlfriend and she saw someone she knew who had a baby with her and after she'd done with her fussing, as we walked off I said 'It's like having a dog isn't it?', 'What's like having a dog' she angrily replied, 'A baby, the way people fuss over it' I said. 'It's nothing like having a dog' she raged.
ReplyDeleteOn reflection I think she's right, puppies and kittens are much cuter.
Joking obviously, but I'm sure 'NT' people do see that cuteness in human babies, and so could 'AS' people if we wanted to. Not so much actual appearance, but a new life.
It's about changing the mind, and I think it's possible.
I don't think being indifferent to babies is limited to people with AS. I think we're just more honest about it.
ReplyDeleteIts a honest point of view
ReplyDeleteI see this article is older, but I just wanted to comment. I do not have AS and I still completely agree with this article in its entirety. I struggle with giving compliments if I don't mean it. I never ever comment on anybodies baby simply because I don't think babies are cute. And further more, I get irritated by the fact that they expect a compliment.
ReplyDeletePeople are in denial. There is no such thing as being selfless. Everything a person does is some how self serving. The problem is, 99% of the population likes to see themselves as a much better person than they are. They want to see themselves as being more than human. Human beings are self-serving.
Honesty is very important to me. Thank you for this article!
I think there is a balance between selfish and selfless. If I see a baby picture, and the baby is cute (in my own opinion), I will not hesitate to say so. However, I do not feel compelled to comment on every single baby picture I see. That would be asinine.
ReplyDeleteYour comment about babies made me grin. Until I had a child myself, I found other people's baby pictures pretty boring, if I'm honest. The only ones I felt attached to were pictures of babies and children I knew and felt a bond with. (I'm allegedly Neurotypical.)(Is there such a thing really?) I like your honesty in saying 'I think you'll be a good parent'. :)
ReplyDeleteFunerals though - I don't think the tears and sadness are necessarily supposed to be empathetic for the person who has died and their feelings. I always think the funeral service is an important act of catharsis and release of grief for those taking part. The individual feels their own personal pain at losing the dead person from their life, and also sadness in sympathy for the people such as family who will be missing the dead person and will be suffering.
At a friend's funeral a couple of months ago, I cried because I will miss her and because the world is now somehow lessened by not having her in it, because she was a force for goodness. I also felt sad that my friend had experienced suffering when she was sick.
I hope you don't think I am being rude in explaining this. I just thought I'd clarify how it has worked in my experience.
Best wishes - and keep on being honest!
fyi: ambivalent ≠ indifferent
ReplyDeletei've learned to keep the pedantry on the DL w/ the NTs, but i reckon you won't be too miffed. "not judging, just /informing/. (aspie bznz as uzh).