A Final Act of Catharsis

Disclaimer: The following is inspired by information that I recently learned about my ex-best friend Melanie and wrote about here. It involves me showing up unsolicited at her house. It is a story. It is a fantasy. It is fiction. Please don't read into it as anything more than a work of catharsis, my own way of getting closure. I know that showing up unannounced at the house of someone you haven't spoken to in eleven years-- even if they owe you an explanation for hurting you and even if they had once been your best friend-- is creepy. This is not something I would do in real life. 

The names of the people in this post have been changed to protect their privacy.

I turn the corner and walk up to the tan brick house, my hands jammed into my pockets, my fists clenched to ebb the shaking.

The building is one of those small northeast Philadelphia houses where the first floor sits above the garage and the basement opens up to the backyard. The large maple tree from my past recollections still dominates the street corner, partially covering the front door and steps. I am brought back to memories extending through my adolescence to my early twenties.

I think about my first time there, in sixth grade.  Melanie and I had gone to a nearby carnival, and then came back to spend the night. The summers just before I would leave for seven weeks at camp, we ventured off to see the latest Disney movie together, followed by a swim in the above-ground backyard pool. There was an end-of-summer party where I met one of Melanie’s friends, Jenna. We hit it off immediately, and remained close for a few years before losing contact. I smile, thinking about coming here for Melanie’s high school graduation party and how excited she felt to be accepted to a local university, where she would commute every day to pursue a degree in animation. And even after I moved to Brooklyn to pursue my own animation degree, we still got together a few times a year for Disney movies and sleepovers.

I sigh.

I’ve parked the car a block away, despite there being ample room on Melanie’s street. At least I didn’t have to track her down to find out where she lived— I had heard that she didn’t even move out when she married Mark, let alone when they had kids. Had I needed to, well, I would have felt what I was doing was akin to stalking, and I am not certain that this doesn’t qualify.

It is a beautiful July day, not too hot, but just right for swimming. Is the pool still in the backyard? Some giggling and splashing comes from nearby. Yes, the pool must be there still. Melanie, Mark, their two children—and possibly Melanie’s parents, Mildred and Ben—are likely swimming in the pool. Maybe they’re even having a backyard barbeque with some of the neighborhood families. And perhaps tomorrow, Melanie, Mark, and the kids will spend a day at the Jersey Shore. Melanie and Mark will be holding hands as they stroll along the beach while their children collect seashells. And the following night, maybe a Pixar movie in Pennypack Park. Melanie will rest her head against Mark while the kids alternate between watching the movie and chasing fireflies.

And for a second, I bitterly wonder, do they have a white picket fence and a dog named Spot?

I pause at the foot of the stairs leading up to the front door. After ten years, I just might finally get a straight answer. I'm out of my mind for doing this, but I need to know. I remember when Melanie and Mark first met in late 2001 or early 2002, when Melanie was twenty-two years old. Mark was her first boyfriend. The idea of her dating was about as fathomable, well, me dating. But she found the right guy. I met him a few times and he was pretty cool. I was happy for her. A couple years later, the two of them were engaged. In 2006 or 2007, Melanie informed me that she’d set a date for the wedding: August 16, 2008.

But in mid-2008, I called my parents, upset that the date of the wedding was fast-approaching and I still hadn’t received an invitation. In fact, Melanie had stopped answering my calls, emails and hadn’t even accepted my friend request on MySpace. My parents, especially my mother, seemed perplexed that I believed I’d be at Melanie's wedding, let alone still friends with her. 

“I can’t believe she did this to me!” I exclaimed. “I hate her! She’s a bitch!”

"No, she’s not. This is what happens when people get married," Mom said with an air of authority. "Melanie is in a stage of her life where you're not invited."

"But we've talked about the wedding a number of times. She made it clear that she wanted me there." I said.

"Well, she obviously changed her mind."  Mom's tone indicated she couldn't believe she had to explain something so obvious. "And you need to learn to take hints. She's trying to tell you something."

"What?" I muttered, though I knew what Mom meant.

"She's not interested," Mom muttered back. I could practically hear her facepalming on the other end of the line.

Then, Mom said that relationships change, and you don't always have the same friends you had growing up.

But I knew the difference between a building collapsing due to lack of maintenance and a building collapsing because somebody had flown a plane into it. This was an example of the latter, and it was deeply personal. And I knew that what Mom had said was wrong, at least for a lot of people in the liberal, northeastern United States. A few of my peers had married friends, some with kids.

But I was different— always different. I was that weird girl with Asperger’s Syndrome who people constantly labeled as “immature”. I had come to think of many people I’d come in contact with over the years as being “Forbidden” to me: It was if I was literally not allowed to have friends who fit certain categories: older, married, or someone who otherwise had had “adult” experiences. It seemed that I had to all but formally request the privilege of even being in their presence. There was Carlos, a guy a year younger than me, who I’d met through Ann, a friend and co-worker at a summer camp. The three of us had spent a week together: a few days at my parents’ house in Pennsylvania; a few days in Washington, D.C.; and a few days in New York City. We got along great. And yet he had kept in touch with my parents instead of me.

“Carlos is an intellectual. He has traveled the world and speaks five languages,” Dad had said. “He has more in common with us.”

I supposed, then, that despite the fact that Melanie had never moved out of her parents’ house— not even when she went to college— she was an adult, just because she was getting married. I was still— and probably always would be—a child. She was living in a grown-up world that I was not an appropriate fit for, one that I might disrupt in the literal and figurative sense, starting with the wedding and continuing with the yet-to-be-conceived children.

            Like Carlos, Melanie had become Forbidden.

I stand on the front step of Melanie’s house thinking about how I learned through the grapevine that Melanie’s son is autistic. I hope he never has to go through the same traumatic social rejection that I did. I hope he never has to think of certain people as Forbidden.

What am I even going to say to Melanie? I've rehearsed this scenario in my mind countless times, but all that’s surfaced are raw accusations instead of adult-sounding questions: "Melanie, why the hell did you cut me off? Was I not good enough for you? How did you think I was going to react? Just shrug and say, ‘Oh fiddlesticks!’?” I know I can’t handle it like that. But in reality, I don’t know what I will say until the situation presents itself.

At the top of the stairs, the exterior door is open and only a screen door separates me from getting the answers I’ve needed. It is finally going to happen. Maybe the torturous, recurring dreams I’ve had over the past decade about running into Melanie only to have her freak out and bolt in the other direction will stop.

I listen to laughing out back. I hear a splash and calls of "Marco!" and "Polo!".

I raise my hand and slowly press my finger to the doorbell. Will they even hear it ring from the backyard?

“Come in,” calls a man— Ben, Melanie’s father. “I’m in the kitchen.”

I freeze. I didn’t expect this. Before I can say anything, Ben calls, “You’re here to fix the leak, right? Come in.”

I open the door and step over the threshold. I climb the small flight of stairs to the living room.

The room still looks more or less as I remember it, with a couch, a coffee table, a La-Z-Boy chair, television, and DVD player. But, now there is something else— children's toys. And from the looks of it, Melanie’s kids had been in the middle of an intense game before getting distracted by something else— a family afternoon in the pool, maybe? A toy canoe from Moana sits on the floor next to the coffee table. A Maui figure stands authoritatively on one end of the boat while a Moana figure stands on the other. She holds a paddle in both hands and her pet rooster stands beside her. Tamatoa, the giant crab, is near the boat, his claws raised menacingly.

I have some of the same toys.

“The leak is in the kitchen,” Ben calls, bringing me back from my thoughts. “Come in here.”

I turn and step into the kitchen.

“The sink is over—” Ben starts to say.

“Oh,” says Ben when I enter the room. “I thought you were the plumber.”

Ben sits in a kitchen chair, a cane in one hand. Right, because he’s fourteen years older than Melanie’s mother. He must be in his eighties now.

“Um, no,” I say, my hands once again having found their way into my pockets.

I see a hint of recognition in Ben’s eyes, and yet he’s not quite able to place me.

“I’m… I’m an old friend of Melanie’s. I’ve come to say hello.” I pause. “My name is Julie.”

Ben’s eyes widen. “Oh, yes,” he says, “I remember. It’s been a while. Well, I think Melanie’s downstairs taking a nap.”

Ben stands up. He looks a bit uncomfortable. Somehow, I know it's more than just the fact that his daughter's ex-best friend is in his house, but I don't know exactly why. "Um, let’s see if she's awake."

I look at my watch. It's going on 3:30. Why would Melanie be asleep?

Oh, right. She's a mother of two young children. Of course she's going to need a nap sometimes.

I nod and follow Ben down to the basement. It isn't nearly as I remember it. When Melanie and I had sleepovers, this was where we came to spend late nights watching movies and playing video games. There had also been a bar for when her parents entertained other adults. I used to play with this toy slot machine that sat atop it. The bar is gone, and in its place are a couple chests of drawers. Now there is a king-sized bed where the couch used to be. 

And Melanie is in it, wrapped tightly under the covers, her head facing the door to the backyard. I realize she must be sick, but I sense it isn’t some bug she caught from one of her kids.

My eyes are drawn to the nightstand, where a few half-empty prescription bottles sit.

"Melanie," Ben says softly. "Someone's here to say hello."

Melanie doesn't stir. I look at Ben.

"Um... this isn't one of her good days," he whispers, wringing his hands. "She… she has fibromyalgia..."

I freeze and stare in disbelief. I think about Jenna, the friend I'd met through Melanie at one of Melanie’s parties. We'd lost touch over the years until early 2015 when I reconnected with her— now them, as they've since come out as genderqueer—over Facebook. Jenna also has fibromyalgia. I cannot believe this bizarre coincidence.

I turn to the sound of the door to the backyard sliding open.

"Be-en," whispers a familiar soft, singsong voice. "Was that the plumber?"

I turn to face Mildred, Melanie's mother, her eyes wide open. "Julie, what are you doing here?" she asks.

"I— I just wanted to talk to Melanie," I stammer.

"Well, you can see that Melanie is asleep right now.”

“Huh?” Melanie mutters, her eyes still closed, her head now turned slightly toward me. “Who’s there?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Mildred says. “Go back to sleep. You need your rest.”

Melanie puts her head back to the position it was in just a minute ago, her eyes shut. But this time, they aren’t closed in the gentle, natural way of sleep.

They’re screwed shut.

Mildred stares at Ben.

"I just thought..." Ben whispers. "I mean, not many of her friends have come by in the past year."

Mildred shakes her head in disbelief and then nods toward me. “And she hasn’t been over here in God knows how long.”

And you think that was my idea? I want to retort.

But I say nothing. If Melanie is in a lot of pain, it would probably be cruel to bother her with the question, no matter how much I’ve been dying to ask it. Then again, she had no trouble being cruel to me ten years ago. But I doubt she is awake enough to even register my question, so asking would be pointless. Wait, maybe I could…

I turn to Mildred. “I just wanted to know why…” I begin slowly, but my words dissipate before I can get them out. It’s eerily like one of the recurring dreams I have in which I finally encounter Melanie, get ready to ask the question, to simply ask why, but when I move my lips, nothing comes out. Mildred turns to look at me. I try again. “I mean, all this time… I just need to know…”

But I am distracted by Melanie’s sleeping form, still amazed and disturbed by the coincidence that two of my closest friends from my teenage years now have fibromyalgia. I look at Melanie and think about the experiences with fibromyalgia that Jenna has told me about. They have told me that they have some days in which they can't even get out of bed, and other days in which they do get out of bed but are in constant pain. Then occasionally there are days when the pain isn’t so bad, and Jenna can go out with their friends. And for Jenna, sometimes medical marijuana is the difference between an intolerable and a tolerable day, as they’ve never found any prescription medication to be particularly helpful. Is Melanie having one of those can’t-get-out-of-bed days? How often does she have them?

            And I try again, the words leaving my mouth more quickly than I’d anticipated. “Why…why wasn’tIinvitedtothewedding?WhydidMelaniecutmeoff?”

            Mildred’s eyes widen. Did she even understand my question?

“Julie, you need to leave,” Mildred says. “Right now.”

At first, I don’t move, but then I head to the stairs. I stop and turn around when I hear the sound of the door to the backyard opening and closing again. A little brown-haired boy and a little blonde-haired girl, each in a bathing suit, run inside in fits of giggles. I look outside and see Melanie's husband, also in a bathing suit, his back turned to the house, looking off into the distance.

The boy, who looks about seven, rushes past me, runs upstairs, laughing and flapping his hands.

"Mommy, come play!" the little girl, who looks about five, shouts as she tugs Melanie's arm.

"Not now," Melanie mutters, her eyes still closed.

"Mommy, please!" the little girl says. "It'll be fun."

Melanie's mother kneels and grabs the girl by the shoulders. "Mommy isn't feeling well now. Okay? Go outside and play with Daddy." She pauses. "Goodness, you have mud on your face again. What did I say about keeping yourself clean?" 

I am still standing at the bottom of the stairs. This is a little girl! I want to shout. She's, what, five? It's summer and she's playing outside. Of course she's going to get muddy once in a while!          

But then I think back to when Melanie told me about the time when she was a teenager and was at a family gathering, playing basketball with some boys. Her mother, who had been sitting on a bench with some other middle-aged ladies, had called out, "Melanie, come sit with the women."

Mildred turns to face me. “Julie, you need to go.”

I nod, barely even looking at her. 

I begin to climb the stairs, and the little boy comes back downstairs, whooshing right past me, still flapping his hands as I press against the wall of the staircase. "I'm a bird! I'm a bird!" he shouts. "I can fly!”

I turn around to see Mildred take the boy’s hands in hers. "Mommy is asleep right now," she says. "And what have we said about 'quiet hands'?"

The boy stares at the floor.

I wish I could tell Mildred that there’s a growing consensus among professionals that in most situations you should not force an autistic child to stop stimming. Then again, if I—or anybody—told her, would it make a difference? I think about the time when Melanie and Mildred wanted to try a weight-loss plan which restricts carbohydrate intake for the first two weeks. This was not a diet created by a random person looking to get rich and famous, but a doctor, specifically a cardiologist. Mildred apparently knew better than this doctor: she told Melanie that restricting carbohydrates wasn’t enough, that they needed to also restrict fat during those two weeks. What was she supposed to eat, then? Grass? I remember asking Melanie if she and her mother had even read the book that explained how to do the diet. Melanie said that yes, she had. But her mother said that they were going to do it her way.

I can guess Mildred probably doesn’t allow medical marijuana in her house.

I continue up the stairs. I remember the very last time I saw Melanie, in the summer of 2005, when we met at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor in New Jersey. Melanie  intended to come back to New York City with me to spend the night, but her mother said no, that she already planned a girls' day out for the next day. And she also wanted her back home at eight that night.

Melanie was twenty-five years old.

As I head to the top of the stairs, I think about the grown-up, pristine, white-washed, even idyllic, adult life that I’d imagined Melanie having—despite living with her parents—all because she was married and had children. I realize I was not the only one who had imagined Melanie living this life. Her mother had imagined it, too—or more specifically, had planned for it. I remember how long before Melanie had gotten married, when she was working at Macy’s for $8.00/hour, Mildred was nagging her relentlessly about how she wanted to be a grandmother. Melanie had said that she wanted to have children. But now I wonder if she really did. Was she even aware that not having kids was also an option? Would she have explored both options had her mother not pressured her?

I realize something.

Melanie isn’t just a perpetrator in this story. She’s also a victim, specifically a victim of her mother, in this and in a lot of other things in her life. And on top of it, she has fibromyalgia.

I turn around one last time. I can't leave without saying something. I go back down the stairs with the intention of letting Mildred have it with both barrels, age-appropriateness be damned. I’m going to tell her, You've destroyed your daughter. You kept her under your skirt, forced her to repress her true self, and prevented her from achieving independence. For what? So she could be an extension of you? She had so much potential and you just squashed it. And now you’re doing it to your grandchildren.

I reach the bottom of the stairs, where Mildred glares at me. "Julie, you need to leave now."

I point a right index finger at Mildred and open my mouth, but all that comes out is a brusque, "I hope you're satisfied."      

"Julie, get out before I call the police," Mildred says, this time her voice raised.

I see Melanie’s eyes open very slightly. But then they close again.

"Hon, isn't that a little harsh?" Ben asks as I climb the stairs.

I can hear Mildred lecturing Ben, but she’s dropped her voice to a very low whisper and I can't make out what she's saying. I almost laugh as I open the front door. Funny Mildred should talk about calling the police. Ben is a retired cop. But that's the last thing the casual observer would suspect...

I shake my head as I open the door and step outside. I pull out my iPhone to send Jenna a text on Facebook messenger.

"You're not going to believe this. I just found out that Melanie has fibromyalgia."

Jenna asks me how I know. So I tell them about what I did.

Then Jenna says, "Honestly, I'm not interested in hearing about someone who cut me off without explanation."

I stop at the bottom of the outside steps. "What??" I text back.

"I thought I told you a while ago," Jenna says.

"No. What happened?" I reply.

As it turns out, around 2002 or 2003, Melanie simply stopped taking Jenna's calls, stopped answering their emails . . . and Melanie and Jenna had once been close, too. But I also remember asking Melanie around that time, "Do you still talk to Jenna?" and she'd said something, I forget exactly what, that made it sound like they’d merely lost contact.

I shake my head and I walk to the car. What I saw inside that house today tells me everything I need to know. I never got to ask Melanie why she ended our friendship, but I don't need to. Whether she thinks she just "lost contact" with me—and Jenna— or whether it had ultimately been her decision to end everything, I'll never know. But it's clear that she didn't do it in a vacuum. 

I get in the car and start the engine.  I pass Melanie’s street on the way out of the housing development. I briefly glance at her house, but then return my eyes to the road.

Footnote: Yes, I'm aware of the irony of using a fantasy to discredit another fantasy. But parts of this story are based on memories as well as a few things I've heard about Melanie through the grapevine, so it's not a fantasy in a vacuum. 

Somebody that I Used to Know (You Didn't Have to Cut Me Off)

            The Facebook events page boasted “Family Movie Night: Moana” in the Boston Commons.

Immediately, a vivid image formed in my head: Jen and Chris, a young mother and father in their mid-thirties, are leading their two children, aged five and seven, through Boston’s downtown park. Jen is holding one hand of each of her children. Chris is carrying two folding chairs for himself and his wife and two sleeping bags for the children. Jen is also carrying something—a third child, due in two months.

The five-year-old, Emma, carries her Moana doll. Dangling by the arm, the doll’s dress beginning to tear at the seams from hours of play with Emma and her best friend, Olivia, who also has a Moana doll. They’re long-lost twin sisters, was the compromise the two girls had agreed upon, as neither could be bothered to play the part of another character. The seven-year-old, Liam, is wearing his Maui T-shirt, Maui’s trademark words “You’re welcome!” splayed across the front, with Maui himself flashing his mischievous grin. Liam is carrying a toy of his own, in this case a plastic version Maui’s magic fishhook, which flashes lights and makes sounds when he swings it. Liam and his best friend, Noah, love to take turns pretending to be Maui and playing tricks on the neighborhood kids.

Family Movie Night will be a fun-filled experience for the children. Emma will love watching her favorite Disney Princess learn to sail and navigate the world, and Liam will crack up at Maui’s antics, such as when he pees in the ocean while Moana’s hand is dipped in the water.

Chris and Jen aren’t thinking about whether or not they will enjoy the movie: This outing is for their kids, and this movie is for kids. Tomorrow, Chris and Jen are going to meet with their neighbors, another married couple with young children. These parents will talk about how Ava has taken her first steps, and how Logan will be starting pre-school at the end of the summer. Then, the two families will meet yet another set of parents and their young children for lunch at Margarita’s in Waltham for a birthday lunch: their little boy, Elijah, is turning six tomorrow. And he is starting first grade in September.

            After lunch, they will go to the playground. The six parents will sit and talk about their children while said kids, all the best of friends, play together. They are children after, all, and childhood is a time when friendship exists without any significant barriers. Chris and Jen, however, are very selective as to who they allow in their social circle: They don’t have any friends who do not have children. In fact, when they got married, they severed contact with all their single friends. It was not a formal “parting of ways”; they simply stopped answering emails and phone calls from them, hoping that they would eventually get the hint. In fact, they didn’t invite them to the wedding or even accept their friend requests on Facebook. They kept their married friends around, assuming all of them would eventually have children. But when one couple remained childless after ten years, Chris and Jen excised them as well.  We’re in a different stage of our lives, they rationalized. We’ve outgrown these other people. If they don’t have children, then we have nothing in common with them.

            The Facebook page that advertised the Moana movie night was dated last summer, but I only saw the event page a couple months ago while searching to see if there was a showing of Moana in Boston: I hadn’t seen the movie in theaters, and I was hoping to see it on a “big screen” of some sort, perhaps with a friend. It had become one of my favorite movies after I first saw it last year, so of course I had to collect some of the merchandise: I have two Maui figures, one Moana figure, and Maui and Moana rag dolls; my laptop is covered with Moana stickers that came from the children’s picture books that I had bought (mostly for the superb illustrations). It turns out that in the first week of August, there will be a showing of Moana on Revere Beach. I will most certainly go, possibly alone, but one of my New York friends, who also loves that movie and who I’ve been needling to visit me, is going to see if she come that weekend.

If my friend and I go to this movie, no doubt we will be the anomaly among an audience of mostly young, isolated parents and their children, carrying Moana dolls and Maui’s magic fishhook. The kids in attendance are in the process of forming their identities, but little do they know that it is a temporary thing. Their parents have long ago left their own identities behind: they are no longer artists, writers, dancers, musicians, nerds, jocks, or any semblance of the personas that they had assumed while growing up. They are Parents, full stop. As they eventually learned, childhood isn’t a real thing; it’s not even a dress rehearsal for adult life. It’s a fake world created by the parents for the kids until they are old enough to marry and start a family. Life does not become real until you are married with kids and recreating the fake world for the next generation to inhabit for a couple decades. Those who never figure this out and don’t put away childish things have failed a major life test.

While I only came up with the details of the story just now as I wrote this, the general idea sprouted the moment I saw the ad for Family Movie Night: Isolated parents who had long ago seemingly stepped off a spaceship on another planet with exclusive membership, a holier-than-thou society where any adult who wasn’t married with children (or with the intention of having children) was an unperson, lightyears behind on an apparently linear, unidirectional trajectory of life and beneath them in every way. Why in the world did reading an ad for a showing of Moana trigger this vivid image in my head? Because I had been in a very dark place: My friend, Ryan, had gotten into a serious relationship and I hadn’t heard from him in months. He was blatantly ignoring my Facebook messages, and I kept thinking that it was due to of something like what I’ve just described: that he had “moved on” because he was at a stage in life that I have no way of knowing if I will ever enter.

A few nights ago, Ryan and I saw each other for the first time since January. We met for dinner and had a long talk about everything that had happened. It turned out that a message that I had sent Ryan in April, after we had briefly gotten back in touch, regarding concerns about the dynamics of our relationship was something that he had not been in an appropriate state of mind to address, as he had been overwhelmed by other things in his life. He also said that he had been realizing some things about himself that he didn’t want to face and that my message was yet another example being brought to his attention.

Ryan had meant to get back to me but the longer he put it off… the longer he put it off until ultimately it would’ve been too little too late, in his mind. He compared it to someone in debt who kept putting off paying bills until finally cutting his losses and declaring bankruptcy. Ryan had absolutely no idea how hurtful these actions were until one day when I messaged him with the direct question, “Are we still friends?”. He certainly didn’t realize how they made me second-guess myself and the way I’m hardwired and the way I live my life, feeling as though I’m a child: I’m demisexual (Google it), I don’t date, and I’ve never been in a relationship.  He realizes now that his behavior was hurtful and has since apologized. The two of us agreed to meet halfway on how we communicate; if Ryan doesn’t respond to messages right away, I’ll be patient, and in turn Ryan will acknowledge my messages but let me know if he’s too busy to talk or hang out.

Sure, you might say, people isolate themselves for a few months in the beginning of a relationship, but then when things calm down a bit, their friendships return to normal. Unfortunately, I did not have that kind of luxury to make that assumption about Ryan’s lack of communication, and for the few months that he and I had been out of touch, I was racking my brain trying to figure out why this was happening. I was also convinced that I would never see or even talk to him again. Because I have a history of friends ghosting me—such as in 2008, when Melanie, my best friend of sixteen years did not invite me to her wedding and completely cut me off  —my reflexive reaction is to assume that I have done something to make the other person angry, uncomfortable, or otherwise feel that the only possible way to handle the situation is to terminate all contact with me.

The situation with Melanie was very traumatic, and between that and Ryan’s lack of responsiveness, seeing that advertisement for Family Movie Night led to the above story being planted in my head. I have had similar embittered reactions when seeing this commercial and this commercial, both of which depict parenthood in an idyllic manner. Ever since the estrangement from Melanie, I reflexively think that in general I cannot—that is, I literally am not allowed—to be friends with people in relationships, let alone be friends with people who are married and have kids. If I met the right guy, sure, I probably would get married, or at least cohabitate. But as I’m demisexual, it’s not something that’s on my radar. I can literally count on my fingers the number of people I’ve been attracted to, and obviously my being attracted to that person is only half the equation: the other person has to reciprocate. Given that I experience attraction so infrequently to begin with, the chances of a mutual interest are very low.  And I absolutely do not want to have kids (I’d have to change my mind very quickly anyway, as I’m 37).

Why should my relative lack of interest in romance and sex and my decision not to have kids preclude me from being friends with people in serious relationships? When Melanie got married and cut me off, my mother told me that married couples usually cut off their single friends (she doesn’t recall putting it in those extreme terms, but I remember vividly that she did). She also said that when you get married it is a different stage of your life. Same as when you have kids. Although she has since retracted her statements excusing Melanie’s actions and has apologized profusely, it is difficult for me to forget. My vivid memory is both a blessing and a curse. Besides, I have heard that same mantra over and over again about “different stages” from a number of people. Some people have also called me “naïve”—a term that implies social immaturity—due to my inexperience in romantic and sexual relationships. Wouldn’t the more neutral “inexperienced” do? Apparently not, because the idea that experience with romance, sex, and the desire to have children make you an adult instead of one type of adult is so ingrained in our society. It’s as if life is a linear, unidirectional pathway with milestones that are objectively on a higher tier than others. Additionally, the idea that you can either be a married adult with children or be a proverbial child yourself is a false dichotomy, yet many people fail to realize that.

The notion that relationships, marriage, and children are “stages” is one that makes me cringe. In fact, recently, literally hours before Ryan responded to my “Are we still friends?” message, I was telling somebody at work about what was going on. I sought his advice because he was talking to me about his girlfriend and some of their shared friends. My coworker started with the damned “stages” mantra. I said, “No. Puberty is a stage. Old age is a stage. These are all stages that everybody goes through as long as they live long enough.” My coworker interrupted, saying, “Everybody also falls in love.” I said, “No. No they don’t. Just listen. I’ve never been in a relationship. It’s hard to say if I ever will be. It’s naïve to say that everybody falls in love.” I then explained to him what it means to be demisexual and also said, “And as for having kids? That’s not in my future.” My coworker has one hand that has only two digits. I wish I would thought to ask him how he would feel if someone had said to him, “Everybody has ten fingers.” It is frustrating when there are things that most people take for granted that are just not part of your own life.

As for Ryan, when we had our talk, I told him about the fears and second-guessing that plagued my mind during the months that we hadn’t spoken. Was he cutting me off?, I had wondered. If so, was it because I had never been in a relationship and that made me a child in his eyes? That was a notion that I had seriously entertained during those few months. I then confessed that I felt like an overgrown child. For example, when I’m at Target I might see parents buying Moana figures for their five-year-olds, and I’m there at age 37 buying these toys for myself: I haven’t left the fake world that adults create for children before boarding the spaceship and heading to the planet where real life begins.

Ryan commented that the idea that my sexuality, relationship status, and parent status should have any impact on who I can be friends with is ridiculous. He also said that he too sometimes feels like an overgrown child. For one thing, he likes things like action figures, children’s cartoons, and video games. Although already married once, he hasn’t had children yet and members of his family are pressuring him to remarry and have children. He told me that the fact that he hasn’t done this yet makes him feel like people see him as immature. I was floored when Ryan told me this. He’s 32 years old, and in 2018 being someone who wants to have kids and to have not had them yet at age 32 is increasingly common; my cousin had her first and only child just two months before her 39^th birthday. But Ryan’s family is from the south and, presumably, they have a more conservative outlook on life: Get married and have children by a certain age, because that’s what you’re supposed to do. But why? How does it affect his family members? These aren’t parents begging for grandchildren—his parents are deceased—and his two siblings already have children. So it’s unlikely a matter of pressure to continue the family name or to quell “baby fever” (not that anybody should pressure family to do this anyway) and more likely a question of what one has to do to be an adult.  It’s attitudes like this that fuel the cynical and embittered scenario like the one I opened this blog with.

Another scenario that kept coming into my mind over the course of the few months that Ryan and I hadn’t been speaking—partially because friends and family who I’d been talking to about this put it there—was that Ryan’s girlfriend perhaps had told Ryan she didn’t want him having opposite-sex friends. Initially, I dismissed the idea as ridiculous: In 2018? In Boston? And how threatening to their relationship would I, an androgynous, autistic, almost-asexual person, be? But since so many people suggested it, I truly began to believe it. What then? Should I stop making friends with heterosexual guys in case they get into relationships, because then they have to cut off their opposite-sex friends? And what if one partner of an opposite-sex relationship is bisexual? No friends for that person because everyone is a potential sex partners? Should I join the polyamorous community where there would likely be no politics involving the sex of the person you’re friends with? Ryan told me that this was another red herring: his girlfriend trusted him. She not only knows who I am but also knows that Ryan has several friends who are women. It’s not an issue.

What it ultimately came down to was that my message to Ryan about my concerns about our friendship was poorly-timed, and Ryan’s judgment of how to handle it was reckless. It had nothing to do with my sexuality, my lifestyle, Ryan’s girlfriend being territorial, or Ryan feeling like he was in a “different stage of his life” and that I was immature compared to him. While I know logically that anybody who writes me off as a friend because of my being single/childless childfree/anything else that precludes societal-expected adulthood is an ignorant person who is not worth my time, it’s difficult for me to put that into practice. The idea of somebody cutting off their single friends once they marry is cliché for a reason. After hearing stories like this so many times, having had it happen to me once and my fearing that it had happened to me yet again, eventually I begin to ask if I’m the one with the problem rather than conclude that a remarkable number of people are ignorant, inconsiderate, and limited.

I want to emphasize that when I talk about what happened with Melanie, my best friend of sixteen years, and what I thought was happening with Ryan, I am not talking about a natural, gradual drifting apart. I am talking about the sudden and deliberate excision of the other person from their life once they marry, an exclusionary action so severe that the former friends are not even connected on social media: Ten years ago, Melanie rejected my friend request on the then-popular MySpace (to my knowledge she is not on Facebook). I realize that when your friends marry and have children, of course you are not going to see them as frequently and that you have to adjust certain dynamics of the relationship. When my cousin Melinda had her child, I fully expected that whenever I hang out with Melinda her son will be there, at least until he is old enough to be alone more of the time. So I not only have adapted, but I have made an effort to establish a relationship with this child. He is only 3 years old, and I don’t think he’s seen me enough to recognize me. But when I do see him, I read to him and play with him, and not just because he is family either. I would adapt in this way even if a non-relative had a child.

Now, if only society would adapt a bit more.